So I am enjoying using the slideshow maker and made the following. It stars Brit and Isaiah as well as Evelyn, Elora, and Emma! Remember to turn the player on the side off so that you can hear the music! Hope you enjoy it!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Let Me Let Go
So it has been a long week. With the kids in school and trying to get back to a "normal" routine. For those of you that know me...normal is NOT in my vocabulary. I am not sure what a "normal" life, routine, or day would be like. Then add in the extra stress of my mysterious phone calls from Michigan (Aaron??) and the fact that Isaiah's father showed up at my grandmother's this weekend.
Why is it that in my life it seems like no one is willing to let me let go of the past? It took me a long time to get where I am in my life. I had to move past and even forgive myself for things that happened a long time ago. I know that it will surprise and confuse alot of people when I make this next statement, but please don't judge or question it. Now the two men I really thought I loved don't seem to be able to let me go.
I've held onto my thoughts of Aaron for over 9 years. I was starting to get over him disappearing. Then last week I received a call around 9:30 two nights in a row. When I answered I could tell someone was there, but noone would speak. I really feel that it was Aaron. Then Wednesday night I had a call at 8:30pm at work from his area code. He didn't leave a message. At this point I don't even know what I would say.
Then to add salt to the wounds, I called my grandmother Sunday morning and she tells me that Shannon just showed up. He had asked her to call me, but she said no. However when I called she said he was begging to talk to me. I was so upset. I told my grandmother I didn't want to talk to him. I had nothing to say. When I got off the phone with her I called my aunt Jo and cried. I was shaking. I just want him to leave Isaiah and me alone. I don't know what he wants or why he showed up.
I have no clue what to say to these two men at this point in my life. I truly loved them both, but have learned that people rarely change. In Aaron's case, his pride will never allow him to let me into his life. Pride drove us apart 9 years ago and I think that's what happened again two months ago. Shannon, for some reason can't let go of bad habits. I won't say that it was history of bad habits that broke us up 3 years ago, but it was a part of it. Had he not received this third charge a couple of months ago, I might have believed that he had changed.
I'm guessing this is hard for some of you to understand. I still love and care for both of them, however I need to move forward with my life. I have two beautiful children that bring me such joy. As far as love, Aaron has haunted my heart for nine years, and Shannon has haunted my mind for three. I'm hoping that very soon these ghosts are out of my heart and head for good. Everytime I think they are, they show back up in my life or my thoughts. I just want them to "let me let go"
I am trying so hard in my life. I got to this point because of my own efforts and not because of them or to prove anything to them. I have busted my butt because of my children, and in spite of men. These two men have hurt me. Hurt me to the point that as much as I want to find my soulmate, the man I am supposed to be with, I really don't think it's going to happen. I am afraid that even if it does happen, I will not be able to trust someone after the way these two have "abandoned" me in their own ways. Maybe the reason I am so successful in my life right now, is because of the fact that I have pushed and fought to get where I am. I am proud of the fact that I am taking care of my children, I have a great job, and basically, I'm doing pretty darn good, without a man by my side. I worry that I have achieved what I consider in my life, many successes without a man by my side and I am used to "MY" life, that I won't be happy in another relationship. I've been struggling and fighting on my own that I fear that I will have a hard time with someone by my side.
I had a hard time sleeping tonight so this may seem like a rambling to my readers...(all 3 of you!) but I needed to get some things off my chest and out of my head!
Why is it that in my life it seems like no one is willing to let me let go of the past? It took me a long time to get where I am in my life. I had to move past and even forgive myself for things that happened a long time ago. I know that it will surprise and confuse alot of people when I make this next statement, but please don't judge or question it. Now the two men I really thought I loved don't seem to be able to let me go.
I've held onto my thoughts of Aaron for over 9 years. I was starting to get over him disappearing. Then last week I received a call around 9:30 two nights in a row. When I answered I could tell someone was there, but noone would speak. I really feel that it was Aaron. Then Wednesday night I had a call at 8:30pm at work from his area code. He didn't leave a message. At this point I don't even know what I would say.
Then to add salt to the wounds, I called my grandmother Sunday morning and she tells me that Shannon just showed up. He had asked her to call me, but she said no. However when I called she said he was begging to talk to me. I was so upset. I told my grandmother I didn't want to talk to him. I had nothing to say. When I got off the phone with her I called my aunt Jo and cried. I was shaking. I just want him to leave Isaiah and me alone. I don't know what he wants or why he showed up.
I have no clue what to say to these two men at this point in my life. I truly loved them both, but have learned that people rarely change. In Aaron's case, his pride will never allow him to let me into his life. Pride drove us apart 9 years ago and I think that's what happened again two months ago. Shannon, for some reason can't let go of bad habits. I won't say that it was history of bad habits that broke us up 3 years ago, but it was a part of it. Had he not received this third charge a couple of months ago, I might have believed that he had changed.
I'm guessing this is hard for some of you to understand. I still love and care for both of them, however I need to move forward with my life. I have two beautiful children that bring me such joy. As far as love, Aaron has haunted my heart for nine years, and Shannon has haunted my mind for three. I'm hoping that very soon these ghosts are out of my heart and head for good. Everytime I think they are, they show back up in my life or my thoughts. I just want them to "let me let go"
I am trying so hard in my life. I got to this point because of my own efforts and not because of them or to prove anything to them. I have busted my butt because of my children, and in spite of men. These two men have hurt me. Hurt me to the point that as much as I want to find my soulmate, the man I am supposed to be with, I really don't think it's going to happen. I am afraid that even if it does happen, I will not be able to trust someone after the way these two have "abandoned" me in their own ways. Maybe the reason I am so successful in my life right now, is because of the fact that I have pushed and fought to get where I am. I am proud of the fact that I am taking care of my children, I have a great job, and basically, I'm doing pretty darn good, without a man by my side. I worry that I have achieved what I consider in my life, many successes without a man by my side and I am used to "MY" life, that I won't be happy in another relationship. I've been struggling and fighting on my own that I fear that I will have a hard time with someone by my side.
I had a hard time sleeping tonight so this may seem like a rambling to my readers...(all 3 of you!) but I needed to get some things off my chest and out of my head!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
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