How ironic is this!! This blog is a diary of sorts for me to dump my feelings. Yet somtimes I hesitate to put things in here because I am not ready for others to know about some things yet. Life has a way of throwing twists and turns into the path of your life. You know that the direction you turn or don't turn will affect things in your life...yet you sometimes don't know how they will effect it.
There are so many thoughts going through my head...that sometimes I don't want to share. If I shared them people would see my vulnerablity, my fears, and my feelings. So what to do when you feel like you have noone that you can trust to talk to. Noone that can help you sort out feelings that you think people wouldn't understand. I feel like people are always judging me.
Someone made a comment a short time ago that they wanted the "Old Dawn" back. Do you know how much I wish I had the "Old Dawn" back. Once upon a time, I was carefree and stressfree. I was confident and strong. I didn't put up with BS because I had nothing to lose. Something happened when I became a mom. I became scared. Wow....that's the first time I have really figured it out. Becoming a mom made me scared. Scared of everything. I am scared of screwing up my kids majorly. I'm scared that people will try to take the kids away from me. Scared that I cannot be a single mom. Scared that they are missing out on things in life. Scared of failing at my job and then losing it. Also scared of succeeding and having to move/relocate and start over.
The "Old Dawn" was a waitress, she didn't have the stress and pressure of kids. I think it's more than that though. Even though the "Old Dawn" that this person was talking about had been hurt...I hadn't been hurt as much as I have now. The "Old Dawn" had a confidence about her, because she hadn't failed.
But the upside of that is that I hadn't failed because I hadn't really tried to schieve anything. I guess now I have such a desire now to succeed and to do the right thing and to be "Perfect Dawn". I miss some parts of the "Old Dawn". I miss laughing. I miss writing and not being stressed.
To the person that wanted the "Old Dawn" back...you are in love and wanting a person that does not exist anymore. But looking to the future...maybe when I learn to love the Dawn that I am right now in this moment...then someone will love that Dawn in return.,,,,
So question of the day....
why, when you know that people love you, do you feel like you can't be yourself.
Do you ever wish you were like you were in the past...has someone ever told you that they wanted the "Old you" back. Can you ever get that old you back?
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Messy Sandwiches and Amazing Kids
Ok so things around here have been stressful to say the least. But in the stress I have learned some pretty simple things in life.
Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches:
My son loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Everyday is a peanut butter and jelly day. I am very picky about my PB and J sandwiches. Light PB on both slices of bread and jelly in the middle...that way the jelly doesn't soak the bread, because wo really wants jelly soaked bread. Well...seeing as how I was/am stressed beyond belief, by the time the 4th making of a PB and J sandwich came this past long weekend I just didn't have the joy, energy, or even the motivation to make the sandwich. I told Isaiah I would make is sandwich in a minute. Apparently my darling daughter thougt that she would help me out by making Isaiah a PB and J sandwich. In fact she made us all one. Through my head went pictures of jelly all over the counter. Brit also decided that she would get us all a glass of milk. I could picture the disaster in my head. I watched Brit set the table. I heard her clinging and clanging in the kitchen...who knew making a PB and J sandwich could cause so much noise! Obviously Brit didn't make the sandwiches "my way". Big gobs of peanut butter and I could already see the jelly soaking the bread. I watched Isaiah take a bite. He looked up and through ooey gooey peanut butter making him almost unable to open his mouth...he said "Yummy sissy. This is the best PB and J sandwich ever!" I looked down at my sandwich and saw more than just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I saw a lesson. Maybe having a "perfect" sandwich isn't important. I ad to agree with Isaiah. My daughter's selflessness in making lunch for mommy and Isaiah made that the best PB and J sandwich ever. And I realized that jelly soaked bread is good too!
Amazing Kids
Then earlier tonight when I was sitting on the couch almost incapacitated with a headache, I heard my children playing in Brittany's room. They weren't fighting so tI figured they were ok. I closed my eyes hoping to wish my headache away. Here is the sight I saw when I opened my eyes:
Apparently they were spies. Isaiah doesn't have a man robe so he borrowed Brit's. I am not sure why he wore one of her hats though. They were on some kind of mission and I was the one they were spying on. They didn't think thay I would recognize them. I laughed so hard that I cried. Isaiah said Mommy, I'm sorry we made you cry!
I told him that I loved them and that I wasn't crying because they made me sad, but because I was happy.
So my thought for today:
Do you worry so much on making the PB and J so perfect, so clean, and not soggy, that you forget the joys of a messy sandwich? Do you remember soggy jelly bread? I had forgotten. I want to thank Brittany for reminding me that nothing/noone is perfect and sometimes there is nothing in the world like a sloppy gooey PB and J sandwich with a glass of milk...no matter what kind of mess was left in the kitchen!
Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches:
My son loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Everyday is a peanut butter and jelly day. I am very picky about my PB and J sandwiches. Light PB on both slices of bread and jelly in the middle...that way the jelly doesn't soak the bread, because wo really wants jelly soaked bread. Well...seeing as how I was/am stressed beyond belief, by the time the 4th making of a PB and J sandwich came this past long weekend I just didn't have the joy, energy, or even the motivation to make the sandwich. I told Isaiah I would make is sandwich in a minute. Apparently my darling daughter thougt that she would help me out by making Isaiah a PB and J sandwich. In fact she made us all one. Through my head went pictures of jelly all over the counter. Brit also decided that she would get us all a glass of milk. I could picture the disaster in my head. I watched Brit set the table. I heard her clinging and clanging in the kitchen...who knew making a PB and J sandwich could cause so much noise! Obviously Brit didn't make the sandwiches "my way". Big gobs of peanut butter and I could already see the jelly soaking the bread. I watched Isaiah take a bite. He looked up and through ooey gooey peanut butter making him almost unable to open his mouth...he said "Yummy sissy. This is the best PB and J sandwich ever!" I looked down at my sandwich and saw more than just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I saw a lesson. Maybe having a "perfect" sandwich isn't important. I ad to agree with Isaiah. My daughter's selflessness in making lunch for mommy and Isaiah made that the best PB and J sandwich ever. And I realized that jelly soaked bread is good too!
Amazing Kids
Then earlier tonight when I was sitting on the couch almost incapacitated with a headache, I heard my children playing in Brittany's room. They weren't fighting so tI figured they were ok. I closed my eyes hoping to wish my headache away. Here is the sight I saw when I opened my eyes:
Apparently they were spies. Isaiah doesn't have a man robe so he borrowed Brit's. I am not sure why he wore one of her hats though. They were on some kind of mission and I was the one they were spying on. They didn't think thay I would recognize them. I laughed so hard that I cried. Isaiah said Mommy, I'm sorry we made you cry!
I told him that I loved them and that I wasn't crying because they made me sad, but because I was happy.
So my thought for today:
Do you worry so much on making the PB and J so perfect, so clean, and not soggy, that you forget the joys of a messy sandwich? Do you remember soggy jelly bread? I had forgotten. I want to thank Brittany for reminding me that nothing/noone is perfect and sometimes there is nothing in the world like a sloppy gooey PB and J sandwich with a glass of milk...no matter what kind of mess was left in the kitchen!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Thank God For Kids
So I am enjoying using the slideshow maker and made the following. It stars Brit and Isaiah as well as Evelyn, Elora, and Emma! Remember to turn the player on the side off so that you can hear the music! Hope you enjoy it!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Let Me Let Go
So it has been a long week. With the kids in school and trying to get back to a "normal" routine. For those of you that know me...normal is NOT in my vocabulary. I am not sure what a "normal" life, routine, or day would be like. Then add in the extra stress of my mysterious phone calls from Michigan (Aaron??) and the fact that Isaiah's father showed up at my grandmother's this weekend.
Why is it that in my life it seems like no one is willing to let me let go of the past? It took me a long time to get where I am in my life. I had to move past and even forgive myself for things that happened a long time ago. I know that it will surprise and confuse alot of people when I make this next statement, but please don't judge or question it. Now the two men I really thought I loved don't seem to be able to let me go.
I've held onto my thoughts of Aaron for over 9 years. I was starting to get over him disappearing. Then last week I received a call around 9:30 two nights in a row. When I answered I could tell someone was there, but noone would speak. I really feel that it was Aaron. Then Wednesday night I had a call at 8:30pm at work from his area code. He didn't leave a message. At this point I don't even know what I would say.
Then to add salt to the wounds, I called my grandmother Sunday morning and she tells me that Shannon just showed up. He had asked her to call me, but she said no. However when I called she said he was begging to talk to me. I was so upset. I told my grandmother I didn't want to talk to him. I had nothing to say. When I got off the phone with her I called my aunt Jo and cried. I was shaking. I just want him to leave Isaiah and me alone. I don't know what he wants or why he showed up.
I have no clue what to say to these two men at this point in my life. I truly loved them both, but have learned that people rarely change. In Aaron's case, his pride will never allow him to let me into his life. Pride drove us apart 9 years ago and I think that's what happened again two months ago. Shannon, for some reason can't let go of bad habits. I won't say that it was history of bad habits that broke us up 3 years ago, but it was a part of it. Had he not received this third charge a couple of months ago, I might have believed that he had changed.
I'm guessing this is hard for some of you to understand. I still love and care for both of them, however I need to move forward with my life. I have two beautiful children that bring me such joy. As far as love, Aaron has haunted my heart for nine years, and Shannon has haunted my mind for three. I'm hoping that very soon these ghosts are out of my heart and head for good. Everytime I think they are, they show back up in my life or my thoughts. I just want them to "let me let go"
I am trying so hard in my life. I got to this point because of my own efforts and not because of them or to prove anything to them. I have busted my butt because of my children, and in spite of men. These two men have hurt me. Hurt me to the point that as much as I want to find my soulmate, the man I am supposed to be with, I really don't think it's going to happen. I am afraid that even if it does happen, I will not be able to trust someone after the way these two have "abandoned" me in their own ways. Maybe the reason I am so successful in my life right now, is because of the fact that I have pushed and fought to get where I am. I am proud of the fact that I am taking care of my children, I have a great job, and basically, I'm doing pretty darn good, without a man by my side. I worry that I have achieved what I consider in my life, many successes without a man by my side and I am used to "MY" life, that I won't be happy in another relationship. I've been struggling and fighting on my own that I fear that I will have a hard time with someone by my side.
I had a hard time sleeping tonight so this may seem like a rambling to my readers...(all 3 of you!) but I needed to get some things off my chest and out of my head!
Why is it that in my life it seems like no one is willing to let me let go of the past? It took me a long time to get where I am in my life. I had to move past and even forgive myself for things that happened a long time ago. I know that it will surprise and confuse alot of people when I make this next statement, but please don't judge or question it. Now the two men I really thought I loved don't seem to be able to let me go.
I've held onto my thoughts of Aaron for over 9 years. I was starting to get over him disappearing. Then last week I received a call around 9:30 two nights in a row. When I answered I could tell someone was there, but noone would speak. I really feel that it was Aaron. Then Wednesday night I had a call at 8:30pm at work from his area code. He didn't leave a message. At this point I don't even know what I would say.
Then to add salt to the wounds, I called my grandmother Sunday morning and she tells me that Shannon just showed up. He had asked her to call me, but she said no. However when I called she said he was begging to talk to me. I was so upset. I told my grandmother I didn't want to talk to him. I had nothing to say. When I got off the phone with her I called my aunt Jo and cried. I was shaking. I just want him to leave Isaiah and me alone. I don't know what he wants or why he showed up.
I have no clue what to say to these two men at this point in my life. I truly loved them both, but have learned that people rarely change. In Aaron's case, his pride will never allow him to let me into his life. Pride drove us apart 9 years ago and I think that's what happened again two months ago. Shannon, for some reason can't let go of bad habits. I won't say that it was history of bad habits that broke us up 3 years ago, but it was a part of it. Had he not received this third charge a couple of months ago, I might have believed that he had changed.
I'm guessing this is hard for some of you to understand. I still love and care for both of them, however I need to move forward with my life. I have two beautiful children that bring me such joy. As far as love, Aaron has haunted my heart for nine years, and Shannon has haunted my mind for three. I'm hoping that very soon these ghosts are out of my heart and head for good. Everytime I think they are, they show back up in my life or my thoughts. I just want them to "let me let go"
I am trying so hard in my life. I got to this point because of my own efforts and not because of them or to prove anything to them. I have busted my butt because of my children, and in spite of men. These two men have hurt me. Hurt me to the point that as much as I want to find my soulmate, the man I am supposed to be with, I really don't think it's going to happen. I am afraid that even if it does happen, I will not be able to trust someone after the way these two have "abandoned" me in their own ways. Maybe the reason I am so successful in my life right now, is because of the fact that I have pushed and fought to get where I am. I am proud of the fact that I am taking care of my children, I have a great job, and basically, I'm doing pretty darn good, without a man by my side. I worry that I have achieved what I consider in my life, many successes without a man by my side and I am used to "MY" life, that I won't be happy in another relationship. I've been struggling and fighting on my own that I fear that I will have a hard time with someone by my side.
I had a hard time sleeping tonight so this may seem like a rambling to my readers...(all 3 of you!) but I needed to get some things off my chest and out of my head!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
The Last Lecture Part 1
Somehow I stumbled upon a news article talking about this professor that gave "The Last Lecture", passing away on July 25. Well, I found the lecture on YouTube and it is over an hour. There was so much I wanted to talk about from it, that I have decided to break it down. This first part will cover the first 12 minutes of this lecture.
Randy Pausch gave this lecture called the last lecture and the name was changed to Achieving Your Childhood Dreams. He starts out explaining that he was diagnosed with cancer. He has such a great outlook on things that knowing now that he has passed, is very inspiring. He talks about his first couple dreams in great detail in these first 12 minutes.
The first is to achieve zero gravity. The quote that I took from this dream of his is "Brick walls are there for a reason: they let us prove how bad we want things."
WOW! How many times have I/you had something that we wanted to do and as soon as we hit a brick wall...we gave up. I have, more times than I really want to admit. We all have dreams. We all have things we want to do. My own feelings of insecurity or that I just am not good enough to achieve them are very common brick walls that I have ran into. Also, I fall prey to the brick wall that others build. People telling me that I can't do it, or I haven't thought something through all the way or that I haven't thought of how it would impact my children. I guess the biggest dream that I let hit a brick wall is my sports bar. I made a business proposal, worked on bar design, menu, uniforms, advertising, everything. I was bound and determined that I would one day open up my bar. However, I was quickly reminded that I have a child (Isaiah wasn't born yet). Hours for owning a bar are not the best for raising a child. Secondly, was finance. Not only did I not have the money to start it, but the fact that most businesses lose money the first 3 years was a big scare for me. Also, my own insecurities...just because I would go to a bar like this, would others? Did I really know how to run and operate a sports bar and grill.
The thing is, I still have a desire to do this. But it really is a dream that I don't see becoming a reality. I see it as being on the other side of the "brick wall". Does that mean I don't want it bad enough? Maybe, or maybe it's just not the right time in my life right now. Maybe as things go better with my job and my children get older, all my what ifs and doubts will start disappearing and I will be able to climb over the brick wall.
His second dream that he talks about is playing for the NFL. Now most of you know that one of my dreams was to be the first female coach of the NFL (granted I would be thrown out the first game for unsportsmanlike behavior...but that is not part of this discussion). He talks about his football coach from little league and while he is talking, I had a very serious Aha moment....little light bulbs started going off in my head. He talks about a particular practice where the coach was really coming down on him. He was telling Professor Pausch how he was doing everything wrong. Afterwards, the assistant coach made a comment about how the head coach was riding him. The Assistant coach said..."that's a good thing because when you are screwing up and no one's saying anything to you anymore, that means they gave up." This was really profound. I have spent the last couple months stressing about my new position and how everything I do is being scrutinized. It has really been very stressful. I have cried, I have thought about quitting, I have broken out in hives, and I have felt like the dumbest person in the world. And yet, I'm still there. And yet, my boss still calls me to tell me when I have screwed up, but he also i round about ways, tells me that I am doing good. I guess I need to look at things a little different when it comes to the criticism at my job. I realized tonight, that My Boss doesn't criticize me because he wants my job, maybe it really is because he knows my potential and he knows that the little careless mistakes that are made, are not who I am. Maybe (hopefully) it is to point out the little things that I miss so that if one day I have to show someone else, I will show them to Not make those mistakes. Who knows! But I guess until I know 100 % that I am perfect, I need to start looking at the criticism as a sign of faith in me and my potential.
The last thought from the first part of this is: "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted". Once again...WOW. Think about the times you failed. Or the times you didn't get what you wanted. Why didn't you get what you wanted? Did you learn something from it? My biggest lesson that I am learning lately is t hat I don't get what I want, because I am not asking for it. Or maybe I am not being specific in what I am asking for. Great, non important example of this is my sister in law and I at Christmas. Normally, I send a pretty vague Christmas/birthday list. Something like, clothes (size), candles, shower stuff, etc. My sister in law is very specific on what she asks for. She picks it out and sends all the details including where it can be bought, what color, and everything. So while she was getting a fancy stand up mixer, I was getting a hand held one, because I asked for a mixer. So lately I have learned. Instead of the normal bath stuff my mom sends me every year that I don't like and normally traded with my aunt, I received the stuff I really liked, because I asked for it. I held out at Christmas time, for the pattern of dishes I wanted instead of settling for the nice ones but not really what I wanted. But more importantly than gifts and stuff is relationships. I look back at my relationships that I wanted to work for some reason or another (some of them I can barely remember why I wanted them to work, but that's not important for this conversations). I wanted a marriage. I wanted a lifetime relationship. In the process of not getting that with these men I learned something from each of them. In the process of not getting what I wanted (a marriage) I gained experience. I am gaining the strength I need to realize what I do and don't want in a relationship. What I will and will not accept in a relationship. And I am reprioritizing the things I am looking for in a man. All because of experience.
So my thought for today for Last Lecture Part 1 are these:
1. what were your childhood dreams?
2. what is one brick wall that you allowed to stop you and why?
3. think about the person that criticizes you the most...what really are their intentions? is it because they have faith in you and know you can do better?
4. Did you gain experience, by not getting something you wanted?
I'm going to try to do this every night until we finish this lecture. It's over an hour long, so we will see!!
I hope that in some way this blog will help someone. It really opened my eyes tonight to some things I needed to see and like I said...I'm only 12 minutes into this..so we can go on this journey together.
Randy Pausch gave this lecture called the last lecture and the name was changed to Achieving Your Childhood Dreams. He starts out explaining that he was diagnosed with cancer. He has such a great outlook on things that knowing now that he has passed, is very inspiring. He talks about his first couple dreams in great detail in these first 12 minutes.
The first is to achieve zero gravity. The quote that I took from this dream of his is "Brick walls are there for a reason: they let us prove how bad we want things."
WOW! How many times have I/you had something that we wanted to do and as soon as we hit a brick wall...we gave up. I have, more times than I really want to admit. We all have dreams. We all have things we want to do. My own feelings of insecurity or that I just am not good enough to achieve them are very common brick walls that I have ran into. Also, I fall prey to the brick wall that others build. People telling me that I can't do it, or I haven't thought something through all the way or that I haven't thought of how it would impact my children. I guess the biggest dream that I let hit a brick wall is my sports bar. I made a business proposal, worked on bar design, menu, uniforms, advertising, everything. I was bound and determined that I would one day open up my bar. However, I was quickly reminded that I have a child (Isaiah wasn't born yet). Hours for owning a bar are not the best for raising a child. Secondly, was finance. Not only did I not have the money to start it, but the fact that most businesses lose money the first 3 years was a big scare for me. Also, my own insecurities...just because I would go to a bar like this, would others? Did I really know how to run and operate a sports bar and grill.
The thing is, I still have a desire to do this. But it really is a dream that I don't see becoming a reality. I see it as being on the other side of the "brick wall". Does that mean I don't want it bad enough? Maybe, or maybe it's just not the right time in my life right now. Maybe as things go better with my job and my children get older, all my what ifs and doubts will start disappearing and I will be able to climb over the brick wall.
His second dream that he talks about is playing for the NFL. Now most of you know that one of my dreams was to be the first female coach of the NFL (granted I would be thrown out the first game for unsportsmanlike behavior...but that is not part of this discussion). He talks about his football coach from little league and while he is talking, I had a very serious Aha moment....little light bulbs started going off in my head. He talks about a particular practice where the coach was really coming down on him. He was telling Professor Pausch how he was doing everything wrong. Afterwards, the assistant coach made a comment about how the head coach was riding him. The Assistant coach said..."that's a good thing because when you are screwing up and no one's saying anything to you anymore, that means they gave up." This was really profound. I have spent the last couple months stressing about my new position and how everything I do is being scrutinized. It has really been very stressful. I have cried, I have thought about quitting, I have broken out in hives, and I have felt like the dumbest person in the world. And yet, I'm still there. And yet, my boss still calls me to tell me when I have screwed up, but he also i round about ways, tells me that I am doing good. I guess I need to look at things a little different when it comes to the criticism at my job. I realized tonight, that My Boss doesn't criticize me because he wants my job, maybe it really is because he knows my potential and he knows that the little careless mistakes that are made, are not who I am. Maybe (hopefully) it is to point out the little things that I miss so that if one day I have to show someone else, I will show them to Not make those mistakes. Who knows! But I guess until I know 100 % that I am perfect, I need to start looking at the criticism as a sign of faith in me and my potential.
The last thought from the first part of this is: "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted". Once again...WOW. Think about the times you failed. Or the times you didn't get what you wanted. Why didn't you get what you wanted? Did you learn something from it? My biggest lesson that I am learning lately is t hat I don't get what I want, because I am not asking for it. Or maybe I am not being specific in what I am asking for. Great, non important example of this is my sister in law and I at Christmas. Normally, I send a pretty vague Christmas/birthday list. Something like, clothes (size), candles, shower stuff, etc. My sister in law is very specific on what she asks for. She picks it out and sends all the details including where it can be bought, what color, and everything. So while she was getting a fancy stand up mixer, I was getting a hand held one, because I asked for a mixer. So lately I have learned. Instead of the normal bath stuff my mom sends me every year that I don't like and normally traded with my aunt, I received the stuff I really liked, because I asked for it. I held out at Christmas time, for the pattern of dishes I wanted instead of settling for the nice ones but not really what I wanted. But more importantly than gifts and stuff is relationships. I look back at my relationships that I wanted to work for some reason or another (some of them I can barely remember why I wanted them to work, but that's not important for this conversations). I wanted a marriage. I wanted a lifetime relationship. In the process of not getting that with these men I learned something from each of them. In the process of not getting what I wanted (a marriage) I gained experience. I am gaining the strength I need to realize what I do and don't want in a relationship. What I will and will not accept in a relationship. And I am reprioritizing the things I am looking for in a man. All because of experience.
So my thought for today for Last Lecture Part 1 are these:
1. what were your childhood dreams?
2. what is one brick wall that you allowed to stop you and why?
3. think about the person that criticizes you the most...what really are their intentions? is it because they have faith in you and know you can do better?
4. Did you gain experience, by not getting something you wanted?
I'm going to try to do this every night until we finish this lecture. It's over an hour long, so we will see!!
I hope that in some way this blog will help someone. It really opened my eyes tonight to some things I needed to see and like I said...I'm only 12 minutes into this..so we can go on this journey together.
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