How ironic is this!! This blog is a diary of sorts for me to dump my feelings. Yet somtimes I hesitate to put things in here because I am not ready for others to know about some things yet. Life has a way of throwing twists and turns into the path of your life. You know that the direction you turn or don't turn will affect things in your life...yet you sometimes don't know how they will effect it.
There are so many thoughts going through my head...that sometimes I don't want to share. If I shared them people would see my vulnerablity, my fears, and my feelings. So what to do when you feel like you have noone that you can trust to talk to. Noone that can help you sort out feelings that you think people wouldn't understand. I feel like people are always judging me.
Someone made a comment a short time ago that they wanted the "Old Dawn" back. Do you know how much I wish I had the "Old Dawn" back. Once upon a time, I was carefree and stressfree. I was confident and strong. I didn't put up with BS because I had nothing to lose. Something happened when I became a mom. I became scared. Wow....that's the first time I have really figured it out. Becoming a mom made me scared. Scared of everything. I am scared of screwing up my kids majorly. I'm scared that people will try to take the kids away from me. Scared that I cannot be a single mom. Scared that they are missing out on things in life. Scared of failing at my job and then losing it. Also scared of succeeding and having to move/relocate and start over.
The "Old Dawn" was a waitress, she didn't have the stress and pressure of kids. I think it's more than that though. Even though the "Old Dawn" that this person was talking about had been hurt...I hadn't been hurt as much as I have now. The "Old Dawn" had a confidence about her, because she hadn't failed.
But the upside of that is that I hadn't failed because I hadn't really tried to schieve anything. I guess now I have such a desire now to succeed and to do the right thing and to be "Perfect Dawn". I miss some parts of the "Old Dawn". I miss laughing. I miss writing and not being stressed.
To the person that wanted the "Old Dawn" back...you are in love and wanting a person that does not exist anymore. But looking to the future...maybe when I learn to love the Dawn that I am right now in this moment...then someone will love that Dawn in return.,,,,
So question of the day....
why, when you know that people love you, do you feel like you can't be yourself.
Do you ever wish you were like you were in the past...has someone ever told you that they wanted the "Old you" back. Can you ever get that old you back?
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Messy Sandwiches and Amazing Kids
Ok so things around here have been stressful to say the least. But in the stress I have learned some pretty simple things in life.
Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches:
My son loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Everyday is a peanut butter and jelly day. I am very picky about my PB and J sandwiches. Light PB on both slices of bread and jelly in the middle...that way the jelly doesn't soak the bread, because wo really wants jelly soaked bread. Well...seeing as how I was/am stressed beyond belief, by the time the 4th making of a PB and J sandwich came this past long weekend I just didn't have the joy, energy, or even the motivation to make the sandwich. I told Isaiah I would make is sandwich in a minute. Apparently my darling daughter thougt that she would help me out by making Isaiah a PB and J sandwich. In fact she made us all one. Through my head went pictures of jelly all over the counter. Brit also decided that she would get us all a glass of milk. I could picture the disaster in my head. I watched Brit set the table. I heard her clinging and clanging in the kitchen...who knew making a PB and J sandwich could cause so much noise! Obviously Brit didn't make the sandwiches "my way". Big gobs of peanut butter and I could already see the jelly soaking the bread. I watched Isaiah take a bite. He looked up and through ooey gooey peanut butter making him almost unable to open his mouth...he said "Yummy sissy. This is the best PB and J sandwich ever!" I looked down at my sandwich and saw more than just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I saw a lesson. Maybe having a "perfect" sandwich isn't important. I ad to agree with Isaiah. My daughter's selflessness in making lunch for mommy and Isaiah made that the best PB and J sandwich ever. And I realized that jelly soaked bread is good too!
Amazing Kids
Then earlier tonight when I was sitting on the couch almost incapacitated with a headache, I heard my children playing in Brittany's room. They weren't fighting so tI figured they were ok. I closed my eyes hoping to wish my headache away. Here is the sight I saw when I opened my eyes:
Apparently they were spies. Isaiah doesn't have a man robe so he borrowed Brit's. I am not sure why he wore one of her hats though. They were on some kind of mission and I was the one they were spying on. They didn't think thay I would recognize them. I laughed so hard that I cried. Isaiah said Mommy, I'm sorry we made you cry!
I told him that I loved them and that I wasn't crying because they made me sad, but because I was happy.
So my thought for today:
Do you worry so much on making the PB and J so perfect, so clean, and not soggy, that you forget the joys of a messy sandwich? Do you remember soggy jelly bread? I had forgotten. I want to thank Brittany for reminding me that nothing/noone is perfect and sometimes there is nothing in the world like a sloppy gooey PB and J sandwich with a glass of milk...no matter what kind of mess was left in the kitchen!
Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches:
My son loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Everyday is a peanut butter and jelly day. I am very picky about my PB and J sandwiches. Light PB on both slices of bread and jelly in the middle...that way the jelly doesn't soak the bread, because wo really wants jelly soaked bread. Well...seeing as how I was/am stressed beyond belief, by the time the 4th making of a PB and J sandwich came this past long weekend I just didn't have the joy, energy, or even the motivation to make the sandwich. I told Isaiah I would make is sandwich in a minute. Apparently my darling daughter thougt that she would help me out by making Isaiah a PB and J sandwich. In fact she made us all one. Through my head went pictures of jelly all over the counter. Brit also decided that she would get us all a glass of milk. I could picture the disaster in my head. I watched Brit set the table. I heard her clinging and clanging in the kitchen...who knew making a PB and J sandwich could cause so much noise! Obviously Brit didn't make the sandwiches "my way". Big gobs of peanut butter and I could already see the jelly soaking the bread. I watched Isaiah take a bite. He looked up and through ooey gooey peanut butter making him almost unable to open his mouth...he said "Yummy sissy. This is the best PB and J sandwich ever!" I looked down at my sandwich and saw more than just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I saw a lesson. Maybe having a "perfect" sandwich isn't important. I ad to agree with Isaiah. My daughter's selflessness in making lunch for mommy and Isaiah made that the best PB and J sandwich ever. And I realized that jelly soaked bread is good too!
Amazing Kids
Then earlier tonight when I was sitting on the couch almost incapacitated with a headache, I heard my children playing in Brittany's room. They weren't fighting so tI figured they were ok. I closed my eyes hoping to wish my headache away. Here is the sight I saw when I opened my eyes:
Apparently they were spies. Isaiah doesn't have a man robe so he borrowed Brit's. I am not sure why he wore one of her hats though. They were on some kind of mission and I was the one they were spying on. They didn't think thay I would recognize them. I laughed so hard that I cried. Isaiah said Mommy, I'm sorry we made you cry!
I told him that I loved them and that I wasn't crying because they made me sad, but because I was happy.
So my thought for today:
Do you worry so much on making the PB and J so perfect, so clean, and not soggy, that you forget the joys of a messy sandwich? Do you remember soggy jelly bread? I had forgotten. I want to thank Brittany for reminding me that nothing/noone is perfect and sometimes there is nothing in the world like a sloppy gooey PB and J sandwich with a glass of milk...no matter what kind of mess was left in the kitchen!
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