The Last Lecture Part 1

Somehow I stumbled upon a news article talking about this professor that gave "The Last Lecture", passing away on July 25. Well, I found the lecture on YouTube and it is over an hour. There was so much I wanted to talk about from it, that I have decided to break it down. This first part will cover the first 12 minutes of this lecture.




Randy Pausch gave this lecture called the last lecture and the name was changed to Achieving Your Childhood Dreams. He starts out explaining that he was diagnosed with cancer. He has such a great outlook on things that knowing now that he has passed, is very inspiring. He talks about his first couple dreams in great detail in these first 12 minutes.

The first is to achieve zero gravity. The quote that I took from this dream of his is "Brick walls are there for a reason: they let us prove how bad we want things."
WOW! How many times have I/you had something that we wanted to do and as soon as we hit a brick wall...we gave up. I have, more times than I really want to admit. We all have dreams. We all have things we want to do. My own feelings of insecurity or that I just am not good enough to achieve them are very common brick walls that I have ran into. Also, I fall prey to the brick wall that others build. People telling me that I can't do it, or I haven't thought something through all the way or that I haven't thought of how it would impact my children. I guess the biggest dream that I let hit a brick wall is my sports bar. I made a business proposal, worked on bar design, menu, uniforms, advertising, everything. I was bound and determined that I would one day open up my bar. However, I was quickly reminded that I have a child (Isaiah wasn't born yet). Hours for owning a bar are not the best for raising a child. Secondly, was finance. Not only did I not have the money to start it, but the fact that most businesses lose money the first 3 years was a big scare for me. Also, my own insecurities...just because I would go to a bar like this, would others? Did I really know how to run and operate a sports bar and grill.
The thing is, I still have a desire to do this. But it really is a dream that I don't see becoming a reality. I see it as being on the other side of the "brick wall". Does that mean I don't want it bad enough? Maybe, or maybe it's just not the right time in my life right now. Maybe as things go better with my job and my children get older, all my what ifs and doubts will start disappearing and I will be able to climb over the brick wall.

His second dream that he talks about is playing for the NFL. Now most of you know that one of my dreams was to be the first female coach of the NFL (granted I would be thrown out the first game for unsportsmanlike behavior...but that is not part of this discussion). He talks about his football coach from little league and while he is talking, I had a very serious Aha moment....little light bulbs started going off in my head. He talks about a particular practice where the coach was really coming down on him. He was telling Professor Pausch how he was doing everything wrong. Afterwards, the assistant coach made a comment about how the head coach was riding him. The Assistant coach said..."that's a good thing because when you are screwing up and no one's saying anything to you anymore, that means they gave up." This was really profound. I have spent the last couple months stressing about my new position and how everything I do is being scrutinized. It has really been very stressful. I have cried, I have thought about quitting, I have broken out in hives, and I have felt like the dumbest person in the world. And yet, I'm still there. And yet, my boss still calls me to tell me when I have screwed up, but he also i round about ways, tells me that I am doing good. I guess I need to look at things a little different when it comes to the criticism at my job. I realized tonight, that My Boss doesn't criticize me because he wants my job, maybe it really is because he knows my potential and he knows that the little careless mistakes that are made, are not who I am. Maybe (hopefully) it is to point out the little things that I miss so that if one day I have to show someone else, I will show them to Not make those mistakes. Who knows! But I guess until I know 100 % that I am perfect, I need to start looking at the criticism as a sign of faith in me and my potential.

The last thought from the first part of this is: "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted". Once again...WOW. Think about the times you failed. Or the times you didn't get what you wanted. Why didn't you get what you wanted? Did you learn something from it? My biggest lesson that I am learning lately is t hat I don't get what I want, because I am not asking for it. Or maybe I am not being specific in what I am asking for. Great, non important example of this is my sister in law and I at Christmas. Normally, I send a pretty vague Christmas/birthday list. Something like, clothes (size), candles, shower stuff, etc. My sister in law is very specific on what she asks for. She picks it out and sends all the details including where it can be bought, what color, and everything. So while she was getting a fancy stand up mixer, I was getting a hand held one, because I asked for a mixer. So lately I have learned. Instead of the normal bath stuff my mom sends me every year that I don't like and normally traded with my aunt, I received the stuff I really liked, because I asked for it. I held out at Christmas time, for the pattern of dishes I wanted instead of settling for the nice ones but not really what I wanted. But more importantly than gifts and stuff is relationships. I look back at my relationships that I wanted to work for some reason or another (some of them I can barely remember why I wanted them to work, but that's not important for this conversations). I wanted a marriage. I wanted a lifetime relationship. In the process of not getting that with these men I learned something from each of them. In the process of not getting what I wanted (a marriage) I gained experience. I am gaining the strength I need to realize what I do and don't want in a relationship. What I will and will not accept in a relationship. And I am reprioritizing the things I am looking for in a man. All because of experience.

So my thought for today for Last Lecture Part 1 are these:
1. what were your childhood dreams?
2. what is one brick wall that you allowed to stop you and why?
3. think about the person that criticizes you the most...what really are their intentions? is it because they have faith in you and know you can do better?
4. Did you gain experience, by not getting something you wanted?

I'm going to try to do this every night until we finish this lecture. It's over an hour long, so we will see!!

I hope that in some way this blog will help someone. It really opened my eyes tonight to some things I needed to see and like I said...I'm only 12 minutes into this..so we can go on this journey together.

The playlist for my life

Ok so we all have things happen in our life. I however have songs related to almost all the events in my life. I was talking with my dad about how my blog playlist is sort of making a playlist of my life. Here are some of the songs that happened for events before I started my blog:

My parents' divorce:
Restless Heart Why does it have to be Wrong or Right
I didn't understand what was really going on. But for some reason this song always made me think of the basic question I had which was "why".

My missing my mom as a little girl:
Klymaxx I Miss You
That was a really hard time for me. I didn't understand why I didn't have my mom around.

The Chipettes My Mother, Thats Who I Need
I used to cry during this movie when this song would come on.

Charlene I've been to Paradise, But I've Never Been to Me
I have looked and looked for this song and finally found it. I remembered hearing this song as a little girl and my mom listening to it. I recently fond out the story of how and why my mom had this song. It is still an awesome song. It's sad, but good. Now that I know the history of this song....it means even more to me


Grandma Jones:
There are several! Many have come up over the years that take me back.
The ones from that time in my life:
Bette Midler Wind Beneath My Wings
It came out right about that time and even today...she inspires me and helps me fly!

Tiffany All This Time
A song that used to make me cry and cry thinking about grandma.

Garth Brooks If Tomorrow Never Comes
This one is still an important song to me. I try to make sure every night before I go to bed, if tomorrow never comes, would my kids, my mom, my dad, know without a doubt that I loved them.

Don't Worry Be Happy
I remember watching the video for this song with Grandma and she would just smile and attempt to whistle along with the song.

Since her death, this song has come to mean alot to me:
Reba McEntire If I Had Only Known
What a great song especially the end. I remember waking up in the mornings before everyone else and I would go sit in her room and lay my head on her bed and we would talk and hold hands.

Kellie Pickler My Angel
Especially when I think about her singing Amazing Grace and her love for that song. This song really really means alot to me. Every word of it. This song reminds me actually of both my Grandmas, Grandma Cronin always sings Jesus loves me to Isaiah.

Songs that remind me of times with my brother:
Somewhere Out There from American Tail
This has been David's and my song for a very long time. When I lived with mom and he lived with dad, we often felt like the little brother and sister mouse in American Tail.

Amy Grant and Michael W Smith Somewhere, Somehow
David and I share a love of singing. We practiced and practiced this song for a whole summer. Wow! Looking for this song brought back alot of memories! When David would come to mom's for visits he and I would stay up all night that first night talking. I'm pretty blessed to have such an amazing brother and friend.

Babyface: You Were There
This song has meant alot to me and consistently reminds me that my Brother has been there for me every time I've needed him. Sometimes even when I didn't think I did.

Fun Times with Mom:
Ace of Base I Saw The Sign
I could not talk about songs that bring back memories of my mother and I without mentioning this song. When I was in FBLA and headed to Williamsburg for state competition I remember this song came on the radio and she would sing I saw the Sieieieign. Later that year, when working on a play, that song came on the radio in the dressing room and my mom started singing along..of course embarassing me to no end. But everyone else thought my mother was so cool because she knew the cool songs!

Dan Seals Bop With Ya Baby
I remember when I was younger and visiting mom in NC, this song came on the radio and mom and I and out hairbrushes did a pretty good routine!

Trisha Yearwood How Do I Live Without You
This song came out and we both loved it. Unfortunately right after this came out mom and I had alot of problems. This song made me think of how important she was to me, even though we weren't even speaking.

And last but not least...
Sylvia Nobody and Snapshot!

My Dad:
I've talked about him earlier as far as all the sentimental songs go...but there have been some fun ones I wonder if he remembers!
Amy Grant Fat Baby and Sing Your Praise To The Lord
I remember Dad always playing music in the car...and these two stick out!

Dick Van Dyke You Two
LOL This one definitely describes the three musketeers! Dad David and I! Everytime I watch this movie this song takes me back!

The Unicorn by the Irish Rovers
This song is actually a reminder of Grandma, Grandpa, and dad and David. Grandpa brought out all this old music one night and I remember this song! I was really excited to find it again!

My Children:
Phil Collins You'll be in My Heart
Brittany swears she can remember me singing this song to her as a baby. And I did.

Lonestar Amazed
I used to sing this one to her too!

Aerosmith I Don't Want To Miss a Thing
sang this to her too!!

Rascall Flatts God Blessed the Broken Road
This is my Isaiah's song. With everything that happened right before the pregnancy and during the pregnancy, this song always takes me back to when I first held him and loved him. It wasn't the easiest road, but God definitely Blessed that broken road!

Reba McEntire He Gets That From Me
I can see so much of his father in Isaiah. Yet I remember being pregnant with Isaiah and listening to this song. I was still in love with his father and I would hold Isaiah after he was born and think of what he got from me and what he got from his father.

Martina McBride In My Daughter's Eyes
This one I heard for the first time driving down the road to the beach when Isaiah was a baby. I think Brittany and I both cried when we first heard it. I still cry when I hear it, but it reminds me of the spontanuity of that moment. We woke up that morning and decided to go the beach and we did.


Bill
Katrina and the Waves Walking on Sunshine
That crazy man! Couldn't dance a lick but this song would come on and he would bob his head up and down and sing in the craziest voice.

Reba McEntire The Greatest Man I Never Knew
This song came on the radio the day I found out Bill died. Now it's always connected to Bill!

Life Events:
Sugarland Baby Girl
When I first got my job at Oiles, I remember thinking this was my first step to ending up like the end of this song.

And the song that will always bring me back to this time in my life is:
Jordin Sparks This is my now
This song really sums up where I am. I have settled for less but ready for more, my fears behind me, etc. I think I have grown more in the last 6 months than I have in probably 29 years. And this moment in my life right now is my NOW, it is my moment.

There are many other songs that take me back to loves and lost loves...but that would take up way too much space and open up closed books that should stay closed.

This has been such a great adventure through my life and brought many tears and many laughs and many many memories. I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it and looking up all the songs.

So my question of the day:

What is the song that when you hear it in 20 years will bring you right back to this time of your life?

Heartache and Hairdye (or Moving on and Making cookies)

I couldn't decide on a title, so I gave it two!

So it's been a pretty big week this week. It has now been 22 days since I have heard from Aaron. I have dyed my hair red and according to several people, become "and assertive, confident, professional woman". I can feel the change that is taking place and though it is hard to let go of the dream, I can feel that I am moving on. Every day it gets a little easier. I won't lie, I still call his phone every day on the off chance that it will be turned back on and he will answer. But at least I've cut it down from 5-10 times a day to once a day. Life goes on and so will I.
I've learned alot from this situation and am sure that is the reason for this. Mainly I've learned that if you don't say what needs to be said when it needs to be said, you may spend 8 years waiting to say it, only to find out it wasn't worth it. I've become much more defensive towards people hurting my feelings and much less willing to accept being disrespected (there was a sort of rebound guy in the last week that helped me "practice" this new skill!). So basically, somewhere between heartache and hairdye I gained a new sense of self confidence and determination. And I am starting to agree with what everyone else is saying...I deserve the best. I deserve more than the way I have been treated and like my mother said...If he was the right one I wouldn't have been sitting there crying! So I guess, I've waited 30 years for the right one...WHY SETTLE NOW?


My babysitter called in sick today so I got to work from home. I did get work done, but more importantly, Isaiah and I had a great time! We made homemade chocolate chip cookies. Tomorrow we will make Rock and Roll cookies (Rocky road). I found a recipe for marshmallow cookies that I have changed up a little bit and will give it a try tomorrow. There were some great photo ops today and they are below:

So my thought of the day....

1) Can changing your hair color really change your attitude? IE Blondes having more fun/being ditzy, or redheads having a temper. I have found that when I am a redhead, I am more assertive..not to the point of being a witch but pretty close!

2) If life were cookies...what ingredients would it need...

The Mirror Has Two Faces

What a great movie this is. I got to thinking about this movie this weekend. Is this realistic? Maybe not on this level. My thoughts were could two people agree to make a relationship work and succeed. Think about arranged marriages. Two people basically agreeing to make a relationship work. Is it more likely for a commitment like that to work than for one built on emotions. Emotions will screw you up every time.

But if you have a relationship without the emotions and feelings and only on "agreement" to have the relatinship work will it be a happy one? Will love grow between the two people? Marriages are entered into every day and broken everyday.

I know this doesn't make sense...but this is one of my rambling thoughts......

JUST AN UPDATE

I've had lots of friends express concern over my recent heartbreak and wanting to know what happened.

Well, I still haven't heard from him. I listened to all the well meant advice and took the time off from work, and did not go to the airport to see if he showed up. I stopped crying Wednesday evening and turned from sadness and hurt to anger. We had planned on going out of town this weekend to see my grandmother and aunt. I went ahead without him and the drive up was pretty therapeutic for me and I realized some things. I have held onto this relationship for a very long time. Maybe even letting it hinder good relationships I've had since. Maybe this really was the closure I needed. Maybe God wants to send the right person in my life but that couldn't happen if I didn't let go of this dream/fantasy I've held on to about Aaron.

Will I hear from Aaron again? I still don't know. How will I react when/if I do? I still don't know that either, I guess it depends on a lot of things.

So there is the update....thought for the day..not a question...Ever heard the song "unanswered prayers" by Garth Brooks (It should be playing on my playlist right about now). Think about the times God said no. What blessings did you get from those times and aren't you better off?

Does anyone realize what today is???

Ok so it's not a big holiday or anything. But today July 2, 2008 is a very big day. In exactly 6 months from today I will be 30.









I only have 6 months left of my youth and childhood. 6 more months to get away with stupid things. It's a stepping stone that we all reach. In the grand life plan I set, things haven't exactly gone like I planned! Here is something I wrote right before my 10 year high school reunion a couple years ago...but it seems pretty appropriate right now:



Alot of you know I have been going crazy with the thought of my ten year high school reunion coming up. I am taken back to a day in june of 1996 wearing a burgandy cap and gown and life was all planned out. College, theater management for my career, meet mr right, house, travel, and kids. That order.
Here I am 10 years later. I've been looking for other Oakton Alumni ( yes they are out there) and have realized that I am older than I thought. Did you know there are "ALUMNI" from the year my children were born??? And I have even been using the phrase "back in the day". And here is where my life stands:
met mr wrong and then mr even wronger. had an angel (my daughter) and started back to college.gave birth to my prince (son), finally got a grown up job where I can afford the RENT on my house. and once again found mr wrongest. So easy to see why I have been contemplating life right?
I have noticed many of you (or them) have achieved so much in life. A couple of you stayed in theater...one even traveling in a Broadway company. Many have gotten married and had babies....even more have traveled the world. Have you really seen where Oakton High Alumni have gone and done with their lives?
But this week something happened. I realized I wasn't too far off from where i wanted to be 10 years after graduation. I'm in college. And as far as theater...I am an actress everyday when I read my babies stories, when we put on puppet shows, and when I remember Good Ole Mr. Bromley and "Leave your problems at the door" I do this every night when i come home....all my problems sit on my front porch. Which isnt really my front porch so there fore...not my problems (how did you like they way I pulled that one out!). I'll be buying my own house hopefully in a year or so. I guess that will bring with it its own problems right? So lets see what is left on my list...travel...well I moved from NOVA ( which I noticed many of you haven't done and want to) and took the long way thru Detroit and Atlanta to get to a little town in North Carolina called China Grove. So that could qualify as traveling. Didn't rack up frequent flyer miles or anything...but still....its traveling. And last but not least...Mr. Right, Well I will have to leave this one alone. I am patiently waiting for him to walk into my life. maybe he has, who knows. I can only trust that the Lord wouldn't want me to be single the rest of my life right?
Ok Soo back to my thoughts and realizations this week. Life isnt what you want it be. Its about making it the best life for you at that time. You know what else...I wouldn't trade my life with any of you out there.
I may not have ended up in the city with the brightest lights...but you can't beat the stars or moon oon a clear night in the country. I may not have made it around the world...but hey I dont like to fly anyway...so I can read about it. As far as Mr. right......I would like to tell him that I pray for my future husband....I really do. My sister in law told me to do that. I pray that he isnt getting his heart broken like I have and I pray that he is happy. And i would like to tell him...sweet dreams and I love you and can't wait to meet you....












So back to 6 months to go. Things aren't going THAT bad in my life. I have a great job and two great kids. Yes I'm going through a big heartbreak and not sure if/when/how that will heal. But at least now I don't need to spend another 8 years wondering about Aaron. Will I meet someone...who knows. But I'm still young for 6 more months...moght as well go kiss a couple more frogs while I'm young enough to enjoy!!!




So my thought for today....at what age did you feel like you were "old" and is there anything you wish you had done before reaching that age?