Unimaginable Pain

Well, hard lesson learned tonight. I waited years for Aaron to come back to me. Years. I was so happy when he finally did. We talked and it seemed like everything was back where it should have been. I have believed for years that he was my soulmate and I had lost my chance to be with him. Yet here he was, back in my life. I can honestly say, I had never been happier. He was coming into town this Wednesday. July 2. WE made plans, he was going to move down here, we even talked about getting married. Going so far as to set a tentative date. September 27. We were going to surprise his mom. I was planning on seeing her when I went down to Atlanta in August. He was going to come with me and we were gooing to tell her then. And he even plannied on talking to my dad and asking his blessing. He told me that he had already bought me a ring and everything. We talked for hours every day. Then all of a sudden, he stopped calling. I couldn't get a hold of him. I knew something had to be wrong. I mean, he cried when he told me how happy I made him and how he was so glad I was back in his life. Things couldn't have been more perfect in my life. Stupid me!
I called his mom when he stopped calling. I was sure that something horrible had happened to him and he was hurt. I have done everything I can do to find him. I have even cried myself to sleep for a week now. She said she couldn't get a hold of him, but that he does this sometime. Well come to find out he is just fine. He was apparently over at a cousins house today and his mother was sure he would call me when he was ready. I waited 9 years, for this? For him to promise me everything he did and everything I dreamed of? Then to just forget me. I have no clue if he is coming on Wednesday. I am hurting so bad right now that part of me wants to believe he will be, yet part of me doesn't want him to be here. I can't believe that the one thing I held onto for 9 years turned out this way. Like I said in an earlier post, what do you dream about when all you have dreamt about for 9 years finally happens. Little did I know the nightmares those dreams would be. Nor did I know the heartache, hurt, and pain down to my bones that his would cause me.
I sit here trying to figure out exactly what I did wrong. He was the one that brought up marriage. He was the one that talked about moving down here. He was the one that planned the visit. Yet he walks away. Without even a goodbye. I thought earlier this week that maybe, I held on to this relationship so that I could have some kind of closure. Well guess what, I still don't have it. All I have is hurt, and yes it hurts. I love him and always will. But I guess just like before, it's the wrong time, wrong place.
I just got off the phone with my mom, crying for about an hour. Trying to figure out what happened from him calling me at 11:30 Monday night, just to tell me he loved me, to him not calling me again. I don't know.
Will he still be here Wednesday? DO I want him here on Wednesday? I don't know the answer to those questions.

Thought for tonight:
Do you think the past is the past for a reason???

I love you daddy

This weekend, I was at the grocery store and overheard a father and his preteen daughter one aisle over. It brought back so many memories of grocery shopping with my dad. She was trying to explain to him why she needed more shampoo. Apparently her brother used it all and is always telling her that her hair stinks. Her father answered (like my own dad probably would have)..."and yet, he uses your shampoo!" I managed to stay one aisle over through the entire store. Listening to them joking, laughing and enjoying each others company brought tears to my eyes. When I was at the milk aisle she was convincing him to get ice cream. Every time she would reach in, he would try to close the door. She just laughed and said " DAD stop!" When we got to the register, I overheard him say that they only came for milk and he realized they hadn't even gotten the milk! So as he rushed back to get it, I told the young girl how lucky she was. It seemed like they had a great relationship. I told her that she may not always understand him or appreciate his uncoolness, but that one day, she would be 29 years old and crying in a grocery store as she watched a father and daughter. I cried all the way home and couldn't wait to call my dad to tell him I love him.

I had a friend of mine who lost his mother two weeks ago. I worry about my parents health quite a bit. My father the most though. I am definitely a daddy's girl and can't imagine him not being here.

I have so many memories that I have made with my daddy. He was picked to do some kind of documentary about being a single father. We had a film crew follow us around. My dad taking us to school, him doing my hair, reading us bedtime stories, and going to the grocery store. I remember one father's day I wanted to make my dad breakfast in bed, but I wasn't allowed to use the stove. I knew my dad liked sunny side up eggs so I cracked an egg, stuck it in the microwave and waited. Looking back now I can't imagine how he ate that egg. It looked like one of those kids toy eggs for the kitchen sets.

I have always dreamed of my father daughter dance at my wedding. Probably just as much as I have thought about my wedding. I don't know if it's because I'm pushing thirty and my wedding clock is ticking or what, but I hear songs and think, that's what I want to dance with my dad to. I have so many memories of my daddy, but there are two I can't wait to make...him walking me down the aisle and our first dance. Here are some songs I've picked out that are great contenders, but wonderful father daughter songs. It helps if you turn off the music player on the right before playing these.

the first is Ronnie Milsap's I wouldn't have missed it for the world. This one has a special meaning. There was something going on at school and my dad had to miss it because of work. Afterwards he took me out for ice cream and this song was playing on the radio. Everytime I hear this song now, I think of how much my daddy did to take care of my brother and I.




This is Bob Carlisle's Butterfly Kisses- it needs no explanation. This is a really cute video of Disney fathers.

This is Stephen Curtis Chapman's Cinderella. This is another one that needs no explanation.

This is Heartland's I loved her first. I can definitely see my father understanding this song.

Tim McGraw's My Little Girl. I think my dad will understand the part where Tim says that "I know he'll say he's in love, but between you and me, He won't be good enough"

This is a song I stumbled upon called angel in my arms. It's not a well known song, but it is so beautiful and I would be honored to have this as "our song" for my daddy and me!

I love you daddy!

My thought for today, what is your favorite memory you have made with your father and what is the memory you still want to make??

Mrs. Tania Burghbacher

Very sad news came today. Pastor Larry's wife Tania Burghbacher passed away yesterday. She was such a strong woman. I will always remember her strength as a mother, wife, and woman. She will be greatly missed.

Death is something that I have a very hard thing understanding. It makes me very sad to think of someone passing away. I know without a doubt that she is now in heaven and praising the Lord, just like she was every Sunday (probably even more so). My heart hurts for her husband, her children, and her grandchildren.

We have all lost someone in our lives and I know that death happens to everyone. The thought of having someone that you have promised to love forever gone in the blink of an eye makes you realize that it can happen at any moment to any of us. We are not promised tomorrow.
I'm infamous for putting stuff off until another day: laughing, cuddling, playing, loving, apologizing.

My thought for today, make sure the ones that are important to you and that you are important to, know that you love them.

The Notebook

This is my favorite scene from my favorite movie. This is one of the scenes filmed down here in Cypress Gardens.




What a wonderful story. Everytime I watch it and Noah says "It still isn't over" I cheer and cry!

I FEAR MY FATHER IS GOING CRAZY

Yes my father is going crazy! When I told him that I had found Aaron and that Aaron was coming to visit, I fully expected and braced myself for one of his infamous relationship "speeches". Instead he seemed somewhat interested and not completely against it. But the crazy part was the next day. Brit was talking to PAPA and he started singing with her..."Mommy and Aaron sitting in a tree!" WHAT???!!! I called my s-i-l to inform her that we might need to look into having my father committed! It's not that my father is not supportive of my relationships. I think that he really believes that no one is good enough for me.

So in case you haven't heard from me yet, yes Aaron is coming to visit me July 3! I can't wait. I even called to see if David (my brother) and Claire (my sil) would like to get together one night while Aaron is here, for dinner. I'm so excited! That many years and here we are. Everyone I have talked to has said this is such a romantic story!

Other than that, Brittany is waiting for school to finish. 3 and a half days left! I can't believe that we have been in SC for 10 months. How amazing life has become. We have our daily struggles, but we are doing ok.

I am stressing at work. I am feeling paranoid (I don't know yet if these are founded feelings) about my job. It was so bad this week that I was actually breaking out in hives.

Isaiah is his normal rambunctious self.

Well, this Cinderella is going to get back to sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor!

It's a great relaxing weekend....so I will not leave you with any complicated thoughts!!!!! Enjoy the break....there will be homework tomorrow!

UPDATE

Who knew that I could be like those fairy tale princesses? Who knew that life would hand you what you asked for? Aaron called me back and it was amazing. Very few people could ever understand what transpired tonight. As amazing as it was...I'm going to keep the details to myself. Just know that I am very happy, content, and amazed at where this twist in my life's road is going.

I look forward to seeing where this goes. I'm glad that there is no longer the wonder of if he was thinking of me or if he wondered about me. I'm tired now and need to get some shut eye..

Last thought for tonight:

What do you dream about when what you have dreamt about for years is now reality!

Long Time Coming

Let me give you a little background for those of you that don't know or don't remember....

Back about 9 or 10 years ago, I was helped in life by an amazing woman named "mama Deborah". She had a daughter named Trella and a son named Aaron. Trella and I became best friends and Aaron and I eventually dated. I have been in love with him ever since. We broke up like most relationships do. The only problem, is I never stopped loving him. Never.

I have spent the last 7 years or so looking for them. Every time I would look for them I would find Aaron's name and a number. I never called it. Who knew where he was in life or what he was doing. I really didn't ever want to barge into his life. But part of me always wondered. I have thought about him, dreamt about him, written about him, and always wondered what I would do if I found him or talked to him.

This past weekend, while catching up with some old friends from high school, I found an email address for a woman named Deborah. I emailed her and asked if she was my mama deborah. I received an email today saying that she was mama Deborah and she still has the picture of Brittany and her grandchildren. She left me her number.

After I picked my heart up off the floor, I called her. We both cried and cried. We talked and gave each other the reader's digest version of what has happened in the last 7 years. Finally we got around to Aaron. While we were talking, he apparently called her. She told me to call him right away.

I spent several minutes looking at the phone number she gave me. I had waited years for this phone call. I wanted to say so much and yet I wanted to say nothing at all. I desperately wanted to make the call, and I never wanted to make the call. Here I had the number for someone that I had loved in my head for all these years. He is the one when all the girls are sitting around talking about "The one that got away" I would think about. Didn't matter who I was dating at the time. Even my aunt jo and I had talked about this. At the beginning of every relationship, I would dream about Aaron. I knew we weren't the same people we were 9 years ago, but what would he be like. Had he thought of me just once? My hands shook as I dialed the number. I prayed that somehow, the answering machine would answer and I thought about hanging up, then I realized, I had waited all these years for this..I had played thousands of conversations in my head for this very situation. He sounded shocked to hear me. I'm not sure it was a good shock, but I'm not sure it was a bad shock. He was with some friends and couldn't talk right then and took my number.

So pretend that you have waited a million minutes for a conversation to take place and then tell me not to read too much into anything. Maybe he was in shock and where as I've had years to plan this conversation, he had seconds, because he hadn't thought about me. Maybe he really didn't want to hear from me again? Maybe he had waited as long as I had for the conversation and just didn't know what to say. Who knows.

So my very complicated thought for tonight is this.....

1. Who is your one that got away?
2. Would you contact them if you could?
3. What would you say?
4. What do you think they would say to you?
5. Is it possible that you can spend so much time building someone up in your head that you are actually a little sad when the moment comes to talk to them again because the thoughts and dreams you have had are coming to an end.

Aaron is no longer the mystery man from my past. I don't yet know if I should have kept him that way, or if I did the right thing by trying to bring it to my present.

Love is a crazy thing......