How ironic is this!! This blog is a diary of sorts for me to dump my feelings. Yet somtimes I hesitate to put things in here because I am not ready for others to know about some things yet. Life has a way of throwing twists and turns into the path of your life. You know that the direction you turn or don't turn will affect things in your life...yet you sometimes don't know how they will effect it.
There are so many thoughts going through my head...that sometimes I don't want to share. If I shared them people would see my vulnerablity, my fears, and my feelings. So what to do when you feel like you have noone that you can trust to talk to. Noone that can help you sort out feelings that you think people wouldn't understand. I feel like people are always judging me.
Someone made a comment a short time ago that they wanted the "Old Dawn" back. Do you know how much I wish I had the "Old Dawn" back. Once upon a time, I was carefree and stressfree. I was confident and strong. I didn't put up with BS because I had nothing to lose. Something happened when I became a mom. I became scared. Wow....that's the first time I have really figured it out. Becoming a mom made me scared. Scared of everything. I am scared of screwing up my kids majorly. I'm scared that people will try to take the kids away from me. Scared that I cannot be a single mom. Scared that they are missing out on things in life. Scared of failing at my job and then losing it. Also scared of succeeding and having to move/relocate and start over.
The "Old Dawn" was a waitress, she didn't have the stress and pressure of kids. I think it's more than that though. Even though the "Old Dawn" that this person was talking about had been hurt...I hadn't been hurt as much as I have now. The "Old Dawn" had a confidence about her, because she hadn't failed.
But the upside of that is that I hadn't failed because I hadn't really tried to schieve anything. I guess now I have such a desire now to succeed and to do the right thing and to be "Perfect Dawn". I miss some parts of the "Old Dawn". I miss laughing. I miss writing and not being stressed.
To the person that wanted the "Old Dawn" back...you are in love and wanting a person that does not exist anymore. But looking to the future...maybe when I learn to love the Dawn that I am right now in this moment...then someone will love that Dawn in return.,,,,
So question of the day....
why, when you know that people love you, do you feel like you can't be yourself.
Do you ever wish you were like you were in the past...has someone ever told you that they wanted the "Old you" back. Can you ever get that old you back?
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Messy Sandwiches and Amazing Kids
Ok so things around here have been stressful to say the least. But in the stress I have learned some pretty simple things in life.
Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches:
My son loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Everyday is a peanut butter and jelly day. I am very picky about my PB and J sandwiches. Light PB on both slices of bread and jelly in the middle...that way the jelly doesn't soak the bread, because wo really wants jelly soaked bread. Well...seeing as how I was/am stressed beyond belief, by the time the 4th making of a PB and J sandwich came this past long weekend I just didn't have the joy, energy, or even the motivation to make the sandwich. I told Isaiah I would make is sandwich in a minute. Apparently my darling daughter thougt that she would help me out by making Isaiah a PB and J sandwich. In fact she made us all one. Through my head went pictures of jelly all over the counter. Brit also decided that she would get us all a glass of milk. I could picture the disaster in my head. I watched Brit set the table. I heard her clinging and clanging in the kitchen...who knew making a PB and J sandwich could cause so much noise! Obviously Brit didn't make the sandwiches "my way". Big gobs of peanut butter and I could already see the jelly soaking the bread. I watched Isaiah take a bite. He looked up and through ooey gooey peanut butter making him almost unable to open his mouth...he said "Yummy sissy. This is the best PB and J sandwich ever!" I looked down at my sandwich and saw more than just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I saw a lesson. Maybe having a "perfect" sandwich isn't important. I ad to agree with Isaiah. My daughter's selflessness in making lunch for mommy and Isaiah made that the best PB and J sandwich ever. And I realized that jelly soaked bread is good too!
Amazing Kids
Then earlier tonight when I was sitting on the couch almost incapacitated with a headache, I heard my children playing in Brittany's room. They weren't fighting so tI figured they were ok. I closed my eyes hoping to wish my headache away. Here is the sight I saw when I opened my eyes:
Apparently they were spies. Isaiah doesn't have a man robe so he borrowed Brit's. I am not sure why he wore one of her hats though. They were on some kind of mission and I was the one they were spying on. They didn't think thay I would recognize them. I laughed so hard that I cried. Isaiah said Mommy, I'm sorry we made you cry!
I told him that I loved them and that I wasn't crying because they made me sad, but because I was happy.
So my thought for today:
Do you worry so much on making the PB and J so perfect, so clean, and not soggy, that you forget the joys of a messy sandwich? Do you remember soggy jelly bread? I had forgotten. I want to thank Brittany for reminding me that nothing/noone is perfect and sometimes there is nothing in the world like a sloppy gooey PB and J sandwich with a glass of milk...no matter what kind of mess was left in the kitchen!
Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches:
My son loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Everyday is a peanut butter and jelly day. I am very picky about my PB and J sandwiches. Light PB on both slices of bread and jelly in the middle...that way the jelly doesn't soak the bread, because wo really wants jelly soaked bread. Well...seeing as how I was/am stressed beyond belief, by the time the 4th making of a PB and J sandwich came this past long weekend I just didn't have the joy, energy, or even the motivation to make the sandwich. I told Isaiah I would make is sandwich in a minute. Apparently my darling daughter thougt that she would help me out by making Isaiah a PB and J sandwich. In fact she made us all one. Through my head went pictures of jelly all over the counter. Brit also decided that she would get us all a glass of milk. I could picture the disaster in my head. I watched Brit set the table. I heard her clinging and clanging in the kitchen...who knew making a PB and J sandwich could cause so much noise! Obviously Brit didn't make the sandwiches "my way". Big gobs of peanut butter and I could already see the jelly soaking the bread. I watched Isaiah take a bite. He looked up and through ooey gooey peanut butter making him almost unable to open his mouth...he said "Yummy sissy. This is the best PB and J sandwich ever!" I looked down at my sandwich and saw more than just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I saw a lesson. Maybe having a "perfect" sandwich isn't important. I ad to agree with Isaiah. My daughter's selflessness in making lunch for mommy and Isaiah made that the best PB and J sandwich ever. And I realized that jelly soaked bread is good too!
Amazing Kids
Then earlier tonight when I was sitting on the couch almost incapacitated with a headache, I heard my children playing in Brittany's room. They weren't fighting so tI figured they were ok. I closed my eyes hoping to wish my headache away. Here is the sight I saw when I opened my eyes:
Apparently they were spies. Isaiah doesn't have a man robe so he borrowed Brit's. I am not sure why he wore one of her hats though. They were on some kind of mission and I was the one they were spying on. They didn't think thay I would recognize them. I laughed so hard that I cried. Isaiah said Mommy, I'm sorry we made you cry!
I told him that I loved them and that I wasn't crying because they made me sad, but because I was happy.
So my thought for today:
Do you worry so much on making the PB and J so perfect, so clean, and not soggy, that you forget the joys of a messy sandwich? Do you remember soggy jelly bread? I had forgotten. I want to thank Brittany for reminding me that nothing/noone is perfect and sometimes there is nothing in the world like a sloppy gooey PB and J sandwich with a glass of milk...no matter what kind of mess was left in the kitchen!
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Thank God For Kids
So I am enjoying using the slideshow maker and made the following. It stars Brit and Isaiah as well as Evelyn, Elora, and Emma! Remember to turn the player on the side off so that you can hear the music! Hope you enjoy it!
Monday, August 25, 2008
Let Me Let Go
So it has been a long week. With the kids in school and trying to get back to a "normal" routine. For those of you that know me...normal is NOT in my vocabulary. I am not sure what a "normal" life, routine, or day would be like. Then add in the extra stress of my mysterious phone calls from Michigan (Aaron??) and the fact that Isaiah's father showed up at my grandmother's this weekend.
Why is it that in my life it seems like no one is willing to let me let go of the past? It took me a long time to get where I am in my life. I had to move past and even forgive myself for things that happened a long time ago. I know that it will surprise and confuse alot of people when I make this next statement, but please don't judge or question it. Now the two men I really thought I loved don't seem to be able to let me go.
I've held onto my thoughts of Aaron for over 9 years. I was starting to get over him disappearing. Then last week I received a call around 9:30 two nights in a row. When I answered I could tell someone was there, but noone would speak. I really feel that it was Aaron. Then Wednesday night I had a call at 8:30pm at work from his area code. He didn't leave a message. At this point I don't even know what I would say.
Then to add salt to the wounds, I called my grandmother Sunday morning and she tells me that Shannon just showed up. He had asked her to call me, but she said no. However when I called she said he was begging to talk to me. I was so upset. I told my grandmother I didn't want to talk to him. I had nothing to say. When I got off the phone with her I called my aunt Jo and cried. I was shaking. I just want him to leave Isaiah and me alone. I don't know what he wants or why he showed up.
I have no clue what to say to these two men at this point in my life. I truly loved them both, but have learned that people rarely change. In Aaron's case, his pride will never allow him to let me into his life. Pride drove us apart 9 years ago and I think that's what happened again two months ago. Shannon, for some reason can't let go of bad habits. I won't say that it was history of bad habits that broke us up 3 years ago, but it was a part of it. Had he not received this third charge a couple of months ago, I might have believed that he had changed.
I'm guessing this is hard for some of you to understand. I still love and care for both of them, however I need to move forward with my life. I have two beautiful children that bring me such joy. As far as love, Aaron has haunted my heart for nine years, and Shannon has haunted my mind for three. I'm hoping that very soon these ghosts are out of my heart and head for good. Everytime I think they are, they show back up in my life or my thoughts. I just want them to "let me let go"
I am trying so hard in my life. I got to this point because of my own efforts and not because of them or to prove anything to them. I have busted my butt because of my children, and in spite of men. These two men have hurt me. Hurt me to the point that as much as I want to find my soulmate, the man I am supposed to be with, I really don't think it's going to happen. I am afraid that even if it does happen, I will not be able to trust someone after the way these two have "abandoned" me in their own ways. Maybe the reason I am so successful in my life right now, is because of the fact that I have pushed and fought to get where I am. I am proud of the fact that I am taking care of my children, I have a great job, and basically, I'm doing pretty darn good, without a man by my side. I worry that I have achieved what I consider in my life, many successes without a man by my side and I am used to "MY" life, that I won't be happy in another relationship. I've been struggling and fighting on my own that I fear that I will have a hard time with someone by my side.
I had a hard time sleeping tonight so this may seem like a rambling to my readers...(all 3 of you!) but I needed to get some things off my chest and out of my head!
Why is it that in my life it seems like no one is willing to let me let go of the past? It took me a long time to get where I am in my life. I had to move past and even forgive myself for things that happened a long time ago. I know that it will surprise and confuse alot of people when I make this next statement, but please don't judge or question it. Now the two men I really thought I loved don't seem to be able to let me go.
I've held onto my thoughts of Aaron for over 9 years. I was starting to get over him disappearing. Then last week I received a call around 9:30 two nights in a row. When I answered I could tell someone was there, but noone would speak. I really feel that it was Aaron. Then Wednesday night I had a call at 8:30pm at work from his area code. He didn't leave a message. At this point I don't even know what I would say.
Then to add salt to the wounds, I called my grandmother Sunday morning and she tells me that Shannon just showed up. He had asked her to call me, but she said no. However when I called she said he was begging to talk to me. I was so upset. I told my grandmother I didn't want to talk to him. I had nothing to say. When I got off the phone with her I called my aunt Jo and cried. I was shaking. I just want him to leave Isaiah and me alone. I don't know what he wants or why he showed up.
I have no clue what to say to these two men at this point in my life. I truly loved them both, but have learned that people rarely change. In Aaron's case, his pride will never allow him to let me into his life. Pride drove us apart 9 years ago and I think that's what happened again two months ago. Shannon, for some reason can't let go of bad habits. I won't say that it was history of bad habits that broke us up 3 years ago, but it was a part of it. Had he not received this third charge a couple of months ago, I might have believed that he had changed.
I'm guessing this is hard for some of you to understand. I still love and care for both of them, however I need to move forward with my life. I have two beautiful children that bring me such joy. As far as love, Aaron has haunted my heart for nine years, and Shannon has haunted my mind for three. I'm hoping that very soon these ghosts are out of my heart and head for good. Everytime I think they are, they show back up in my life or my thoughts. I just want them to "let me let go"
I am trying so hard in my life. I got to this point because of my own efforts and not because of them or to prove anything to them. I have busted my butt because of my children, and in spite of men. These two men have hurt me. Hurt me to the point that as much as I want to find my soulmate, the man I am supposed to be with, I really don't think it's going to happen. I am afraid that even if it does happen, I will not be able to trust someone after the way these two have "abandoned" me in their own ways. Maybe the reason I am so successful in my life right now, is because of the fact that I have pushed and fought to get where I am. I am proud of the fact that I am taking care of my children, I have a great job, and basically, I'm doing pretty darn good, without a man by my side. I worry that I have achieved what I consider in my life, many successes without a man by my side and I am used to "MY" life, that I won't be happy in another relationship. I've been struggling and fighting on my own that I fear that I will have a hard time with someone by my side.
I had a hard time sleeping tonight so this may seem like a rambling to my readers...(all 3 of you!) but I needed to get some things off my chest and out of my head!
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
The Last Lecture Part 1
Somehow I stumbled upon a news article talking about this professor that gave "The Last Lecture", passing away on July 25. Well, I found the lecture on YouTube and it is over an hour. There was so much I wanted to talk about from it, that I have decided to break it down. This first part will cover the first 12 minutes of this lecture.
Randy Pausch gave this lecture called the last lecture and the name was changed to Achieving Your Childhood Dreams. He starts out explaining that he was diagnosed with cancer. He has such a great outlook on things that knowing now that he has passed, is very inspiring. He talks about his first couple dreams in great detail in these first 12 minutes.
The first is to achieve zero gravity. The quote that I took from this dream of his is "Brick walls are there for a reason: they let us prove how bad we want things."
WOW! How many times have I/you had something that we wanted to do and as soon as we hit a brick wall...we gave up. I have, more times than I really want to admit. We all have dreams. We all have things we want to do. My own feelings of insecurity or that I just am not good enough to achieve them are very common brick walls that I have ran into. Also, I fall prey to the brick wall that others build. People telling me that I can't do it, or I haven't thought something through all the way or that I haven't thought of how it would impact my children. I guess the biggest dream that I let hit a brick wall is my sports bar. I made a business proposal, worked on bar design, menu, uniforms, advertising, everything. I was bound and determined that I would one day open up my bar. However, I was quickly reminded that I have a child (Isaiah wasn't born yet). Hours for owning a bar are not the best for raising a child. Secondly, was finance. Not only did I not have the money to start it, but the fact that most businesses lose money the first 3 years was a big scare for me. Also, my own insecurities...just because I would go to a bar like this, would others? Did I really know how to run and operate a sports bar and grill.
The thing is, I still have a desire to do this. But it really is a dream that I don't see becoming a reality. I see it as being on the other side of the "brick wall". Does that mean I don't want it bad enough? Maybe, or maybe it's just not the right time in my life right now. Maybe as things go better with my job and my children get older, all my what ifs and doubts will start disappearing and I will be able to climb over the brick wall.
His second dream that he talks about is playing for the NFL. Now most of you know that one of my dreams was to be the first female coach of the NFL (granted I would be thrown out the first game for unsportsmanlike behavior...but that is not part of this discussion). He talks about his football coach from little league and while he is talking, I had a very serious Aha moment....little light bulbs started going off in my head. He talks about a particular practice where the coach was really coming down on him. He was telling Professor Pausch how he was doing everything wrong. Afterwards, the assistant coach made a comment about how the head coach was riding him. The Assistant coach said..."that's a good thing because when you are screwing up and no one's saying anything to you anymore, that means they gave up." This was really profound. I have spent the last couple months stressing about my new position and how everything I do is being scrutinized. It has really been very stressful. I have cried, I have thought about quitting, I have broken out in hives, and I have felt like the dumbest person in the world. And yet, I'm still there. And yet, my boss still calls me to tell me when I have screwed up, but he also i round about ways, tells me that I am doing good. I guess I need to look at things a little different when it comes to the criticism at my job. I realized tonight, that My Boss doesn't criticize me because he wants my job, maybe it really is because he knows my potential and he knows that the little careless mistakes that are made, are not who I am. Maybe (hopefully) it is to point out the little things that I miss so that if one day I have to show someone else, I will show them to Not make those mistakes. Who knows! But I guess until I know 100 % that I am perfect, I need to start looking at the criticism as a sign of faith in me and my potential.
The last thought from the first part of this is: "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted". Once again...WOW. Think about the times you failed. Or the times you didn't get what you wanted. Why didn't you get what you wanted? Did you learn something from it? My biggest lesson that I am learning lately is t hat I don't get what I want, because I am not asking for it. Or maybe I am not being specific in what I am asking for. Great, non important example of this is my sister in law and I at Christmas. Normally, I send a pretty vague Christmas/birthday list. Something like, clothes (size), candles, shower stuff, etc. My sister in law is very specific on what she asks for. She picks it out and sends all the details including where it can be bought, what color, and everything. So while she was getting a fancy stand up mixer, I was getting a hand held one, because I asked for a mixer. So lately I have learned. Instead of the normal bath stuff my mom sends me every year that I don't like and normally traded with my aunt, I received the stuff I really liked, because I asked for it. I held out at Christmas time, for the pattern of dishes I wanted instead of settling for the nice ones but not really what I wanted. But more importantly than gifts and stuff is relationships. I look back at my relationships that I wanted to work for some reason or another (some of them I can barely remember why I wanted them to work, but that's not important for this conversations). I wanted a marriage. I wanted a lifetime relationship. In the process of not getting that with these men I learned something from each of them. In the process of not getting what I wanted (a marriage) I gained experience. I am gaining the strength I need to realize what I do and don't want in a relationship. What I will and will not accept in a relationship. And I am reprioritizing the things I am looking for in a man. All because of experience.
So my thought for today for Last Lecture Part 1 are these:
1. what were your childhood dreams?
2. what is one brick wall that you allowed to stop you and why?
3. think about the person that criticizes you the most...what really are their intentions? is it because they have faith in you and know you can do better?
4. Did you gain experience, by not getting something you wanted?
I'm going to try to do this every night until we finish this lecture. It's over an hour long, so we will see!!
I hope that in some way this blog will help someone. It really opened my eyes tonight to some things I needed to see and like I said...I'm only 12 minutes into this..so we can go on this journey together.
Randy Pausch gave this lecture called the last lecture and the name was changed to Achieving Your Childhood Dreams. He starts out explaining that he was diagnosed with cancer. He has such a great outlook on things that knowing now that he has passed, is very inspiring. He talks about his first couple dreams in great detail in these first 12 minutes.
The first is to achieve zero gravity. The quote that I took from this dream of his is "Brick walls are there for a reason: they let us prove how bad we want things."
WOW! How many times have I/you had something that we wanted to do and as soon as we hit a brick wall...we gave up. I have, more times than I really want to admit. We all have dreams. We all have things we want to do. My own feelings of insecurity or that I just am not good enough to achieve them are very common brick walls that I have ran into. Also, I fall prey to the brick wall that others build. People telling me that I can't do it, or I haven't thought something through all the way or that I haven't thought of how it would impact my children. I guess the biggest dream that I let hit a brick wall is my sports bar. I made a business proposal, worked on bar design, menu, uniforms, advertising, everything. I was bound and determined that I would one day open up my bar. However, I was quickly reminded that I have a child (Isaiah wasn't born yet). Hours for owning a bar are not the best for raising a child. Secondly, was finance. Not only did I not have the money to start it, but the fact that most businesses lose money the first 3 years was a big scare for me. Also, my own insecurities...just because I would go to a bar like this, would others? Did I really know how to run and operate a sports bar and grill.
The thing is, I still have a desire to do this. But it really is a dream that I don't see becoming a reality. I see it as being on the other side of the "brick wall". Does that mean I don't want it bad enough? Maybe, or maybe it's just not the right time in my life right now. Maybe as things go better with my job and my children get older, all my what ifs and doubts will start disappearing and I will be able to climb over the brick wall.
His second dream that he talks about is playing for the NFL. Now most of you know that one of my dreams was to be the first female coach of the NFL (granted I would be thrown out the first game for unsportsmanlike behavior...but that is not part of this discussion). He talks about his football coach from little league and while he is talking, I had a very serious Aha moment....little light bulbs started going off in my head. He talks about a particular practice where the coach was really coming down on him. He was telling Professor Pausch how he was doing everything wrong. Afterwards, the assistant coach made a comment about how the head coach was riding him. The Assistant coach said..."that's a good thing because when you are screwing up and no one's saying anything to you anymore, that means they gave up." This was really profound. I have spent the last couple months stressing about my new position and how everything I do is being scrutinized. It has really been very stressful. I have cried, I have thought about quitting, I have broken out in hives, and I have felt like the dumbest person in the world. And yet, I'm still there. And yet, my boss still calls me to tell me when I have screwed up, but he also i round about ways, tells me that I am doing good. I guess I need to look at things a little different when it comes to the criticism at my job. I realized tonight, that My Boss doesn't criticize me because he wants my job, maybe it really is because he knows my potential and he knows that the little careless mistakes that are made, are not who I am. Maybe (hopefully) it is to point out the little things that I miss so that if one day I have to show someone else, I will show them to Not make those mistakes. Who knows! But I guess until I know 100 % that I am perfect, I need to start looking at the criticism as a sign of faith in me and my potential.
The last thought from the first part of this is: "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted". Once again...WOW. Think about the times you failed. Or the times you didn't get what you wanted. Why didn't you get what you wanted? Did you learn something from it? My biggest lesson that I am learning lately is t hat I don't get what I want, because I am not asking for it. Or maybe I am not being specific in what I am asking for. Great, non important example of this is my sister in law and I at Christmas. Normally, I send a pretty vague Christmas/birthday list. Something like, clothes (size), candles, shower stuff, etc. My sister in law is very specific on what she asks for. She picks it out and sends all the details including where it can be bought, what color, and everything. So while she was getting a fancy stand up mixer, I was getting a hand held one, because I asked for a mixer. So lately I have learned. Instead of the normal bath stuff my mom sends me every year that I don't like and normally traded with my aunt, I received the stuff I really liked, because I asked for it. I held out at Christmas time, for the pattern of dishes I wanted instead of settling for the nice ones but not really what I wanted. But more importantly than gifts and stuff is relationships. I look back at my relationships that I wanted to work for some reason or another (some of them I can barely remember why I wanted them to work, but that's not important for this conversations). I wanted a marriage. I wanted a lifetime relationship. In the process of not getting that with these men I learned something from each of them. In the process of not getting what I wanted (a marriage) I gained experience. I am gaining the strength I need to realize what I do and don't want in a relationship. What I will and will not accept in a relationship. And I am reprioritizing the things I am looking for in a man. All because of experience.
So my thought for today for Last Lecture Part 1 are these:
1. what were your childhood dreams?
2. what is one brick wall that you allowed to stop you and why?
3. think about the person that criticizes you the most...what really are their intentions? is it because they have faith in you and know you can do better?
4. Did you gain experience, by not getting something you wanted?
I'm going to try to do this every night until we finish this lecture. It's over an hour long, so we will see!!
I hope that in some way this blog will help someone. It really opened my eyes tonight to some things I needed to see and like I said...I'm only 12 minutes into this..so we can go on this journey together.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
The playlist for my life
Ok so we all have things happen in our life. I however have songs related to almost all the events in my life. I was talking with my dad about how my blog playlist is sort of making a playlist of my life. Here are some of the songs that happened for events before I started my blog:
My parents' divorce:
Restless Heart Why does it have to be Wrong or Right
I didn't understand what was really going on. But for some reason this song always made me think of the basic question I had which was "why".
My missing my mom as a little girl:
Klymaxx I Miss You
That was a really hard time for me. I didn't understand why I didn't have my mom around.
The Chipettes My Mother, Thats Who I Need
I used to cry during this movie when this song would come on.
Charlene I've been to Paradise, But I've Never Been to Me
I have looked and looked for this song and finally found it. I remembered hearing this song as a little girl and my mom listening to it. I recently fond out the story of how and why my mom had this song. It is still an awesome song. It's sad, but good. Now that I know the history of this song....it means even more to me
Grandma Jones:
There are several! Many have come up over the years that take me back.
The ones from that time in my life:
Bette Midler Wind Beneath My Wings
It came out right about that time and even today...she inspires me and helps me fly!
Tiffany All This Time
A song that used to make me cry and cry thinking about grandma.
Garth Brooks If Tomorrow Never Comes
This one is still an important song to me. I try to make sure every night before I go to bed, if tomorrow never comes, would my kids, my mom, my dad, know without a doubt that I loved them.
Don't Worry Be Happy
I remember watching the video for this song with Grandma and she would just smile and attempt to whistle along with the song.
Since her death, this song has come to mean alot to me:
Reba McEntire If I Had Only Known
What a great song especially the end. I remember waking up in the mornings before everyone else and I would go sit in her room and lay my head on her bed and we would talk and hold hands.
Kellie Pickler My Angel
Especially when I think about her singing Amazing Grace and her love for that song. This song really really means alot to me. Every word of it. This song reminds me actually of both my Grandmas, Grandma Cronin always sings Jesus loves me to Isaiah.
Songs that remind me of times with my brother:
Somewhere Out There from American Tail
This has been David's and my song for a very long time. When I lived with mom and he lived with dad, we often felt like the little brother and sister mouse in American Tail.
Amy Grant and Michael W Smith Somewhere, Somehow
David and I share a love of singing. We practiced and practiced this song for a whole summer. Wow! Looking for this song brought back alot of memories! When David would come to mom's for visits he and I would stay up all night that first night talking. I'm pretty blessed to have such an amazing brother and friend.
Babyface: You Were There
This song has meant alot to me and consistently reminds me that my Brother has been there for me every time I've needed him. Sometimes even when I didn't think I did.
Fun Times with Mom:
Ace of Base I Saw The Sign
I could not talk about songs that bring back memories of my mother and I without mentioning this song. When I was in FBLA and headed to Williamsburg for state competition I remember this song came on the radio and she would sing I saw the Sieieieign. Later that year, when working on a play, that song came on the radio in the dressing room and my mom started singing along..of course embarassing me to no end. But everyone else thought my mother was so cool because she knew the cool songs!
Dan Seals Bop With Ya Baby
I remember when I was younger and visiting mom in NC, this song came on the radio and mom and I and out hairbrushes did a pretty good routine!
Trisha Yearwood How Do I Live Without You
This song came out and we both loved it. Unfortunately right after this came out mom and I had alot of problems. This song made me think of how important she was to me, even though we weren't even speaking.
And last but not least...
Sylvia Nobody and Snapshot!
My Dad:
I've talked about him earlier as far as all the sentimental songs go...but there have been some fun ones I wonder if he remembers!
Amy Grant Fat Baby and Sing Your Praise To The Lord
I remember Dad always playing music in the car...and these two stick out!
Dick Van Dyke You Two
LOL This one definitely describes the three musketeers! Dad David and I! Everytime I watch this movie this song takes me back!
The Unicorn by the Irish Rovers
This song is actually a reminder of Grandma, Grandpa, and dad and David. Grandpa brought out all this old music one night and I remember this song! I was really excited to find it again!
My Children:
Phil Collins You'll be in My Heart
Brittany swears she can remember me singing this song to her as a baby. And I did.
Lonestar Amazed
I used to sing this one to her too!
Aerosmith I Don't Want To Miss a Thing
sang this to her too!!
Rascall Flatts God Blessed the Broken Road
This is my Isaiah's song. With everything that happened right before the pregnancy and during the pregnancy, this song always takes me back to when I first held him and loved him. It wasn't the easiest road, but God definitely Blessed that broken road!
Reba McEntire He Gets That From Me
I can see so much of his father in Isaiah. Yet I remember being pregnant with Isaiah and listening to this song. I was still in love with his father and I would hold Isaiah after he was born and think of what he got from me and what he got from his father.
Martina McBride In My Daughter's Eyes
This one I heard for the first time driving down the road to the beach when Isaiah was a baby. I think Brittany and I both cried when we first heard it. I still cry when I hear it, but it reminds me of the spontanuity of that moment. We woke up that morning and decided to go the beach and we did.
Bill
Katrina and the Waves Walking on Sunshine
That crazy man! Couldn't dance a lick but this song would come on and he would bob his head up and down and sing in the craziest voice.
Reba McEntire The Greatest Man I Never Knew
This song came on the radio the day I found out Bill died. Now it's always connected to Bill!
Life Events:
Sugarland Baby Girl
When I first got my job at Oiles, I remember thinking this was my first step to ending up like the end of this song.
And the song that will always bring me back to this time in my life is:
Jordin Sparks This is my now
This song really sums up where I am. I have settled for less but ready for more, my fears behind me, etc. I think I have grown more in the last 6 months than I have in probably 29 years. And this moment in my life right now is my NOW, it is my moment.
There are many other songs that take me back to loves and lost loves...but that would take up way too much space and open up closed books that should stay closed.
This has been such a great adventure through my life and brought many tears and many laughs and many many memories. I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it and looking up all the songs.
So my question of the day:
What is the song that when you hear it in 20 years will bring you right back to this time of your life?
My parents' divorce:
Restless Heart Why does it have to be Wrong or Right
I didn't understand what was really going on. But for some reason this song always made me think of the basic question I had which was "why".
My missing my mom as a little girl:
Klymaxx I Miss You
That was a really hard time for me. I didn't understand why I didn't have my mom around.
The Chipettes My Mother, Thats Who I Need
I used to cry during this movie when this song would come on.
Charlene I've been to Paradise, But I've Never Been to Me
I have looked and looked for this song and finally found it. I remembered hearing this song as a little girl and my mom listening to it. I recently fond out the story of how and why my mom had this song. It is still an awesome song. It's sad, but good. Now that I know the history of this song....it means even more to me
Grandma Jones:
There are several! Many have come up over the years that take me back.
The ones from that time in my life:
Bette Midler Wind Beneath My Wings
It came out right about that time and even today...she inspires me and helps me fly!
Tiffany All This Time
A song that used to make me cry and cry thinking about grandma.
Garth Brooks If Tomorrow Never Comes
This one is still an important song to me. I try to make sure every night before I go to bed, if tomorrow never comes, would my kids, my mom, my dad, know without a doubt that I loved them.
Don't Worry Be Happy
I remember watching the video for this song with Grandma and she would just smile and attempt to whistle along with the song.
Since her death, this song has come to mean alot to me:
Reba McEntire If I Had Only Known
What a great song especially the end. I remember waking up in the mornings before everyone else and I would go sit in her room and lay my head on her bed and we would talk and hold hands.
Kellie Pickler My Angel
Especially when I think about her singing Amazing Grace and her love for that song. This song really really means alot to me. Every word of it. This song reminds me actually of both my Grandmas, Grandma Cronin always sings Jesus loves me to Isaiah.
Songs that remind me of times with my brother:
Somewhere Out There from American Tail
This has been David's and my song for a very long time. When I lived with mom and he lived with dad, we often felt like the little brother and sister mouse in American Tail.
Amy Grant and Michael W Smith Somewhere, Somehow
David and I share a love of singing. We practiced and practiced this song for a whole summer. Wow! Looking for this song brought back alot of memories! When David would come to mom's for visits he and I would stay up all night that first night talking. I'm pretty blessed to have such an amazing brother and friend.
Babyface: You Were There
This song has meant alot to me and consistently reminds me that my Brother has been there for me every time I've needed him. Sometimes even when I didn't think I did.
Fun Times with Mom:
Ace of Base I Saw The Sign
I could not talk about songs that bring back memories of my mother and I without mentioning this song. When I was in FBLA and headed to Williamsburg for state competition I remember this song came on the radio and she would sing I saw the Sieieieign. Later that year, when working on a play, that song came on the radio in the dressing room and my mom started singing along..of course embarassing me to no end. But everyone else thought my mother was so cool because she knew the cool songs!
Dan Seals Bop With Ya Baby
I remember when I was younger and visiting mom in NC, this song came on the radio and mom and I and out hairbrushes did a pretty good routine!
Trisha Yearwood How Do I Live Without You
This song came out and we both loved it. Unfortunately right after this came out mom and I had alot of problems. This song made me think of how important she was to me, even though we weren't even speaking.
And last but not least...
Sylvia Nobody and Snapshot!
My Dad:
I've talked about him earlier as far as all the sentimental songs go...but there have been some fun ones I wonder if he remembers!
Amy Grant Fat Baby and Sing Your Praise To The Lord
I remember Dad always playing music in the car...and these two stick out!
Dick Van Dyke You Two
LOL This one definitely describes the three musketeers! Dad David and I! Everytime I watch this movie this song takes me back!
The Unicorn by the Irish Rovers
This song is actually a reminder of Grandma, Grandpa, and dad and David. Grandpa brought out all this old music one night and I remember this song! I was really excited to find it again!
My Children:
Phil Collins You'll be in My Heart
Brittany swears she can remember me singing this song to her as a baby. And I did.
Lonestar Amazed
I used to sing this one to her too!
Aerosmith I Don't Want To Miss a Thing
sang this to her too!!
Rascall Flatts God Blessed the Broken Road
This is my Isaiah's song. With everything that happened right before the pregnancy and during the pregnancy, this song always takes me back to when I first held him and loved him. It wasn't the easiest road, but God definitely Blessed that broken road!
Reba McEntire He Gets That From Me
I can see so much of his father in Isaiah. Yet I remember being pregnant with Isaiah and listening to this song. I was still in love with his father and I would hold Isaiah after he was born and think of what he got from me and what he got from his father.
Martina McBride In My Daughter's Eyes
This one I heard for the first time driving down the road to the beach when Isaiah was a baby. I think Brittany and I both cried when we first heard it. I still cry when I hear it, but it reminds me of the spontanuity of that moment. We woke up that morning and decided to go the beach and we did.
Bill
Katrina and the Waves Walking on Sunshine
That crazy man! Couldn't dance a lick but this song would come on and he would bob his head up and down and sing in the craziest voice.
Reba McEntire The Greatest Man I Never Knew
This song came on the radio the day I found out Bill died. Now it's always connected to Bill!
Life Events:
Sugarland Baby Girl
When I first got my job at Oiles, I remember thinking this was my first step to ending up like the end of this song.
And the song that will always bring me back to this time in my life is:
Jordin Sparks This is my now
This song really sums up where I am. I have settled for less but ready for more, my fears behind me, etc. I think I have grown more in the last 6 months than I have in probably 29 years. And this moment in my life right now is my NOW, it is my moment.
There are many other songs that take me back to loves and lost loves...but that would take up way too much space and open up closed books that should stay closed.
This has been such a great adventure through my life and brought many tears and many laughs and many many memories. I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it and looking up all the songs.
So my question of the day:
What is the song that when you hear it in 20 years will bring you right back to this time of your life?
Monday, July 14, 2008
Heartache and Hairdye (or Moving on and Making cookies)
I couldn't decide on a title, so I gave it two!
So it's been a pretty big week this week. It has now been 22 days since I have heard from Aaron. I have dyed my hair red and according to several people, become "and assertive, confident, professional woman". I can feel the change that is taking place and though it is hard to let go of the dream, I can feel that I am moving on. Every day it gets a little easier. I won't lie, I still call his phone every day on the off chance that it will be turned back on and he will answer. But at least I've cut it down from 5-10 times a day to once a day. Life goes on and so will I.
I've learned alot from this situation and am sure that is the reason for this. Mainly I've learned that if you don't say what needs to be said when it needs to be said, you may spend 8 years waiting to say it, only to find out it wasn't worth it. I've become much more defensive towards people hurting my feelings and much less willing to accept being disrespected (there was a sort of rebound guy in the last week that helped me "practice" this new skill!). So basically, somewhere between heartache and hairdye I gained a new sense of self confidence and determination. And I am starting to agree with what everyone else is saying...I deserve the best. I deserve more than the way I have been treated and like my mother said...If he was the right one I wouldn't have been sitting there crying! So I guess, I've waited 30 years for the right one...WHY SETTLE NOW?
My babysitter called in sick today so I got to work from home. I did get work done, but more importantly, Isaiah and I had a great time! We made homemade chocolate chip cookies. Tomorrow we will make Rock and Roll cookies (Rocky road). I found a recipe for marshmallow cookies that I have changed up a little bit and will give it a try tomorrow. There were some great photo ops today and they are below:
So my thought of the day....
1) Can changing your hair color really change your attitude? IE Blondes having more fun/being ditzy, or redheads having a temper. I have found that when I am a redhead, I am more assertive..not to the point of being a witch but pretty close!
2) If life were cookies...what ingredients would it need...
Sunday, July 6, 2008
The Mirror Has Two Faces
What a great movie this is. I got to thinking about this movie this weekend. Is this realistic? Maybe not on this level. My thoughts were could two people agree to make a relationship work and succeed. Think about arranged marriages. Two people basically agreeing to make a relationship work. Is it more likely for a commitment like that to work than for one built on emotions. Emotions will screw you up every time.
But if you have a relationship without the emotions and feelings and only on "agreement" to have the relatinship work will it be a happy one? Will love grow between the two people? Marriages are entered into every day and broken everyday.
I know this doesn't make sense...but this is one of my rambling thoughts......
JUST AN UPDATE
I've had lots of friends express concern over my recent heartbreak and wanting to know what happened.
Well, I still haven't heard from him. I listened to all the well meant advice and took the time off from work, and did not go to the airport to see if he showed up. I stopped crying Wednesday evening and turned from sadness and hurt to anger. We had planned on going out of town this weekend to see my grandmother and aunt. I went ahead without him and the drive up was pretty therapeutic for me and I realized some things. I have held onto this relationship for a very long time. Maybe even letting it hinder good relationships I've had since. Maybe this really was the closure I needed. Maybe God wants to send the right person in my life but that couldn't happen if I didn't let go of this dream/fantasy I've held on to about Aaron.
Will I hear from Aaron again? I still don't know. How will I react when/if I do? I still don't know that either, I guess it depends on a lot of things.
So there is the update....thought for the day..not a question...Ever heard the song "unanswered prayers" by Garth Brooks (It should be playing on my playlist right about now). Think about the times God said no. What blessings did you get from those times and aren't you better off?
Well, I still haven't heard from him. I listened to all the well meant advice and took the time off from work, and did not go to the airport to see if he showed up. I stopped crying Wednesday evening and turned from sadness and hurt to anger. We had planned on going out of town this weekend to see my grandmother and aunt. I went ahead without him and the drive up was pretty therapeutic for me and I realized some things. I have held onto this relationship for a very long time. Maybe even letting it hinder good relationships I've had since. Maybe this really was the closure I needed. Maybe God wants to send the right person in my life but that couldn't happen if I didn't let go of this dream/fantasy I've held on to about Aaron.
Will I hear from Aaron again? I still don't know. How will I react when/if I do? I still don't know that either, I guess it depends on a lot of things.
So there is the update....thought for the day..not a question...Ever heard the song "unanswered prayers" by Garth Brooks (It should be playing on my playlist right about now). Think about the times God said no. What blessings did you get from those times and aren't you better off?
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Does anyone realize what today is???
Ok so it's not a big holiday or anything. But today July 2, 2008 is a very big day. In exactly 6 months from today I will be 30.
I only have 6 months left of my youth and childhood. 6 more months to get away with stupid things. It's a stepping stone that we all reach. In the grand life plan I set, things haven't exactly gone like I planned! Here is something I wrote right before my 10 year high school reunion a couple years ago...but it seems pretty appropriate right now:
Alot of you know I have been going crazy with the thought of my ten year high school reunion coming up. I am taken back to a day in june of 1996 wearing a burgandy cap and gown and life was all planned out. College, theater management for my career, meet mr right, house, travel, and kids. That order.
Here I am 10 years later. I've been looking for other Oakton Alumni ( yes they are out there) and have realized that I am older than I thought. Did you know there are "ALUMNI" from the year my children were born??? And I have even been using the phrase "back in the day". And here is where my life stands:
met mr wrong and then mr even wronger. had an angel (my daughter) and started back to college.gave birth to my prince (son), finally got a grown up job where I can afford the RENT on my house. and once again found mr wrongest. So easy to see why I have been contemplating life right?
I have noticed many of you (or them) have achieved so much in life. A couple of you stayed in theater...one even traveling in a Broadway company. Many have gotten married and had babies....even more have traveled the world. Have you really seen where Oakton High Alumni have gone and done with their lives?
But this week something happened. I realized I wasn't too far off from where i wanted to be 10 years after graduation. I'm in college. And as far as theater...I am an actress everyday when I read my babies stories, when we put on puppet shows, and when I remember Good Ole Mr. Bromley and "Leave your problems at the door" I do this every night when i come home....all my problems sit on my front porch. Which isnt really my front porch so there fore...not my problems (how did you like they way I pulled that one out!). I'll be buying my own house hopefully in a year or so. I guess that will bring with it its own problems right? So lets see what is left on my list...travel...well I moved from NOVA ( which I noticed many of you haven't done and want to) and took the long way thru Detroit and Atlanta to get to a little town in North Carolina called China Grove. So that could qualify as traveling. Didn't rack up frequent flyer miles or anything...but still....its traveling. And last but not least...Mr. Right, Well I will have to leave this one alone. I am patiently waiting for him to walk into my life. maybe he has, who knows. I can only trust that the Lord wouldn't want me to be single the rest of my life right?
Ok Soo back to my thoughts and realizations this week. Life isnt what you want it be. Its about making it the best life for you at that time. You know what else...I wouldn't trade my life with any of you out there.
I may not have ended up in the city with the brightest lights...but you can't beat the stars or moon oon a clear night in the country. I may not have made it around the world...but hey I dont like to fly anyway...so I can read about it. As far as Mr. right......I would like to tell him that I pray for my future husband....I really do. My sister in law told me to do that. I pray that he isnt getting his heart broken like I have and I pray that he is happy. And i would like to tell him...sweet dreams and I love you and can't wait to meet you....
So back to 6 months to go. Things aren't going THAT bad in my life. I have a great job and two great kids. Yes I'm going through a big heartbreak and not sure if/when/how that will heal. But at least now I don't need to spend another 8 years wondering about Aaron. Will I meet someone...who knows. But I'm still young for 6 more months...moght as well go kiss a couple more frogs while I'm young enough to enjoy!!!
So my thought for today....at what age did you feel like you were "old" and is there anything you wish you had done before reaching that age?
Monday, June 30, 2008
Unimaginable Pain
Well, hard lesson learned tonight. I waited years for Aaron to come back to me. Years. I was so happy when he finally did. We talked and it seemed like everything was back where it should have been. I have believed for years that he was my soulmate and I had lost my chance to be with him. Yet here he was, back in my life. I can honestly say, I had never been happier. He was coming into town this Wednesday. July 2. WE made plans, he was going to move down here, we even talked about getting married. Going so far as to set a tentative date. September 27. We were going to surprise his mom. I was planning on seeing her when I went down to Atlanta in August. He was going to come with me and we were gooing to tell her then. And he even plannied on talking to my dad and asking his blessing. He told me that he had already bought me a ring and everything. We talked for hours every day. Then all of a sudden, he stopped calling. I couldn't get a hold of him. I knew something had to be wrong. I mean, he cried when he told me how happy I made him and how he was so glad I was back in his life. Things couldn't have been more perfect in my life. Stupid me!
I called his mom when he stopped calling. I was sure that something horrible had happened to him and he was hurt. I have done everything I can do to find him. I have even cried myself to sleep for a week now. She said she couldn't get a hold of him, but that he does this sometime. Well come to find out he is just fine. He was apparently over at a cousins house today and his mother was sure he would call me when he was ready. I waited 9 years, for this? For him to promise me everything he did and everything I dreamed of? Then to just forget me. I have no clue if he is coming on Wednesday. I am hurting so bad right now that part of me wants to believe he will be, yet part of me doesn't want him to be here. I can't believe that the one thing I held onto for 9 years turned out this way. Like I said in an earlier post, what do you dream about when all you have dreamt about for 9 years finally happens. Little did I know the nightmares those dreams would be. Nor did I know the heartache, hurt, and pain down to my bones that his would cause me.
I sit here trying to figure out exactly what I did wrong. He was the one that brought up marriage. He was the one that talked about moving down here. He was the one that planned the visit. Yet he walks away. Without even a goodbye. I thought earlier this week that maybe, I held on to this relationship so that I could have some kind of closure. Well guess what, I still don't have it. All I have is hurt, and yes it hurts. I love him and always will. But I guess just like before, it's the wrong time, wrong place.
I just got off the phone with my mom, crying for about an hour. Trying to figure out what happened from him calling me at 11:30 Monday night, just to tell me he loved me, to him not calling me again. I don't know.
Will he still be here Wednesday? DO I want him here on Wednesday? I don't know the answer to those questions.
Thought for tonight:
Do you think the past is the past for a reason???
I called his mom when he stopped calling. I was sure that something horrible had happened to him and he was hurt. I have done everything I can do to find him. I have even cried myself to sleep for a week now. She said she couldn't get a hold of him, but that he does this sometime. Well come to find out he is just fine. He was apparently over at a cousins house today and his mother was sure he would call me when he was ready. I waited 9 years, for this? For him to promise me everything he did and everything I dreamed of? Then to just forget me. I have no clue if he is coming on Wednesday. I am hurting so bad right now that part of me wants to believe he will be, yet part of me doesn't want him to be here. I can't believe that the one thing I held onto for 9 years turned out this way. Like I said in an earlier post, what do you dream about when all you have dreamt about for 9 years finally happens. Little did I know the nightmares those dreams would be. Nor did I know the heartache, hurt, and pain down to my bones that his would cause me.
I sit here trying to figure out exactly what I did wrong. He was the one that brought up marriage. He was the one that talked about moving down here. He was the one that planned the visit. Yet he walks away. Without even a goodbye. I thought earlier this week that maybe, I held on to this relationship so that I could have some kind of closure. Well guess what, I still don't have it. All I have is hurt, and yes it hurts. I love him and always will. But I guess just like before, it's the wrong time, wrong place.
I just got off the phone with my mom, crying for about an hour. Trying to figure out what happened from him calling me at 11:30 Monday night, just to tell me he loved me, to him not calling me again. I don't know.
Will he still be here Wednesday? DO I want him here on Wednesday? I don't know the answer to those questions.
Thought for tonight:
Do you think the past is the past for a reason???
Sunday, June 22, 2008
I love you daddy
This weekend, I was at the grocery store and overheard a father and his preteen daughter one aisle over. It brought back so many memories of grocery shopping with my dad. She was trying to explain to him why she needed more shampoo. Apparently her brother used it all and is always telling her that her hair stinks. Her father answered (like my own dad probably would have)..."and yet, he uses your shampoo!" I managed to stay one aisle over through the entire store. Listening to them joking, laughing and enjoying each others company brought tears to my eyes. When I was at the milk aisle she was convincing him to get ice cream. Every time she would reach in, he would try to close the door. She just laughed and said " DAD stop!" When we got to the register, I overheard him say that they only came for milk and he realized they hadn't even gotten the milk! So as he rushed back to get it, I told the young girl how lucky she was. It seemed like they had a great relationship. I told her that she may not always understand him or appreciate his uncoolness, but that one day, she would be 29 years old and crying in a grocery store as she watched a father and daughter. I cried all the way home and couldn't wait to call my dad to tell him I love him.
I had a friend of mine who lost his mother two weeks ago. I worry about my parents health quite a bit. My father the most though. I am definitely a daddy's girl and can't imagine him not being here.
I have so many memories that I have made with my daddy. He was picked to do some kind of documentary about being a single father. We had a film crew follow us around. My dad taking us to school, him doing my hair, reading us bedtime stories, and going to the grocery store. I remember one father's day I wanted to make my dad breakfast in bed, but I wasn't allowed to use the stove. I knew my dad liked sunny side up eggs so I cracked an egg, stuck it in the microwave and waited. Looking back now I can't imagine how he ate that egg. It looked like one of those kids toy eggs for the kitchen sets.
I have always dreamed of my father daughter dance at my wedding. Probably just as much as I have thought about my wedding. I don't know if it's because I'm pushing thirty and my wedding clock is ticking or what, but I hear songs and think, that's what I want to dance with my dad to. I have so many memories of my daddy, but there are two I can't wait to make...him walking me down the aisle and our first dance. Here are some songs I've picked out that are great contenders, but wonderful father daughter songs. It helps if you turn off the music player on the right before playing these.
the first is Ronnie Milsap's I wouldn't have missed it for the world. This one has a special meaning. There was something going on at school and my dad had to miss it because of work. Afterwards he took me out for ice cream and this song was playing on the radio. Everytime I hear this song now, I think of how much my daddy did to take care of my brother and I.
This is Bob Carlisle's Butterfly Kisses- it needs no explanation. This is a really cute video of Disney fathers.
This is Stephen Curtis Chapman's Cinderella. This is another one that needs no explanation.
This is Heartland's I loved her first. I can definitely see my father understanding this song.
Tim McGraw's My Little Girl. I think my dad will understand the part where Tim says that "I know he'll say he's in love, but between you and me, He won't be good enough"
This is a song I stumbled upon called angel in my arms. It's not a well known song, but it is so beautiful and I would be honored to have this as "our song" for my daddy and me!
I love you daddy!
My thought for today, what is your favorite memory you have made with your father and what is the memory you still want to make??
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Mrs. Tania Burghbacher
Very sad news came today. Pastor Larry's wife Tania Burghbacher passed away yesterday. She was such a strong woman. I will always remember her strength as a mother, wife, and woman. She will be greatly missed.
Death is something that I have a very hard thing understanding. It makes me very sad to think of someone passing away. I know without a doubt that she is now in heaven and praising the Lord, just like she was every Sunday (probably even more so). My heart hurts for her husband, her children, and her grandchildren.
We have all lost someone in our lives and I know that death happens to everyone. The thought of having someone that you have promised to love forever gone in the blink of an eye makes you realize that it can happen at any moment to any of us. We are not promised tomorrow.
I'm infamous for putting stuff off until another day: laughing, cuddling, playing, loving, apologizing.
My thought for today, make sure the ones that are important to you and that you are important to, know that you love them.
Death is something that I have a very hard thing understanding. It makes me very sad to think of someone passing away. I know without a doubt that she is now in heaven and praising the Lord, just like she was every Sunday (probably even more so). My heart hurts for her husband, her children, and her grandchildren.
We have all lost someone in our lives and I know that death happens to everyone. The thought of having someone that you have promised to love forever gone in the blink of an eye makes you realize that it can happen at any moment to any of us. We are not promised tomorrow.
I'm infamous for putting stuff off until another day: laughing, cuddling, playing, loving, apologizing.
My thought for today, make sure the ones that are important to you and that you are important to, know that you love them.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
The Notebook
This is my favorite scene from my favorite movie. This is one of the scenes filmed down here in Cypress Gardens.
What a wonderful story. Everytime I watch it and Noah says "It still isn't over" I cheer and cry!
What a wonderful story. Everytime I watch it and Noah says "It still isn't over" I cheer and cry!
Sunday, June 1, 2008
I FEAR MY FATHER IS GOING CRAZY
Yes my father is going crazy! When I told him that I had found Aaron and that Aaron was coming to visit, I fully expected and braced myself for one of his infamous relationship "speeches". Instead he seemed somewhat interested and not completely against it. But the crazy part was the next day. Brit was talking to PAPA and he started singing with her..."Mommy and Aaron sitting in a tree!" WHAT???!!! I called my s-i-l to inform her that we might need to look into having my father committed! It's not that my father is not supportive of my relationships. I think that he really believes that no one is good enough for me.
So in case you haven't heard from me yet, yes Aaron is coming to visit me July 3! I can't wait. I even called to see if David (my brother) and Claire (my sil) would like to get together one night while Aaron is here, for dinner. I'm so excited! That many years and here we are. Everyone I have talked to has said this is such a romantic story!
Other than that, Brittany is waiting for school to finish. 3 and a half days left! I can't believe that we have been in SC for 10 months. How amazing life has become. We have our daily struggles, but we are doing ok.
I am stressing at work. I am feeling paranoid (I don't know yet if these are founded feelings) about my job. It was so bad this week that I was actually breaking out in hives.
Isaiah is his normal rambunctious self.
Well, this Cinderella is going to get back to sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor!
It's a great relaxing weekend....so I will not leave you with any complicated thoughts!!!!! Enjoy the break....there will be homework tomorrow!
So in case you haven't heard from me yet, yes Aaron is coming to visit me July 3! I can't wait. I even called to see if David (my brother) and Claire (my sil) would like to get together one night while Aaron is here, for dinner. I'm so excited! That many years and here we are. Everyone I have talked to has said this is such a romantic story!
Other than that, Brittany is waiting for school to finish. 3 and a half days left! I can't believe that we have been in SC for 10 months. How amazing life has become. We have our daily struggles, but we are doing ok.
I am stressing at work. I am feeling paranoid (I don't know yet if these are founded feelings) about my job. It was so bad this week that I was actually breaking out in hives.
Isaiah is his normal rambunctious self.
Well, this Cinderella is going to get back to sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor!
It's a great relaxing weekend....so I will not leave you with any complicated thoughts!!!!! Enjoy the break....there will be homework tomorrow!
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
UPDATE
Who knew that I could be like those fairy tale princesses? Who knew that life would hand you what you asked for? Aaron called me back and it was amazing. Very few people could ever understand what transpired tonight. As amazing as it was...I'm going to keep the details to myself. Just know that I am very happy, content, and amazed at where this twist in my life's road is going.
I look forward to seeing where this goes. I'm glad that there is no longer the wonder of if he was thinking of me or if he wondered about me. I'm tired now and need to get some shut eye..
Last thought for tonight:
What do you dream about when what you have dreamt about for years is now reality!
I look forward to seeing where this goes. I'm glad that there is no longer the wonder of if he was thinking of me or if he wondered about me. I'm tired now and need to get some shut eye..
Last thought for tonight:
What do you dream about when what you have dreamt about for years is now reality!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Long Time Coming
Let me give you a little background for those of you that don't know or don't remember....
Back about 9 or 10 years ago, I was helped in life by an amazing woman named "mama Deborah". She had a daughter named Trella and a son named Aaron. Trella and I became best friends and Aaron and I eventually dated. I have been in love with him ever since. We broke up like most relationships do. The only problem, is I never stopped loving him. Never.
I have spent the last 7 years or so looking for them. Every time I would look for them I would find Aaron's name and a number. I never called it. Who knew where he was in life or what he was doing. I really didn't ever want to barge into his life. But part of me always wondered. I have thought about him, dreamt about him, written about him, and always wondered what I would do if I found him or talked to him.
This past weekend, while catching up with some old friends from high school, I found an email address for a woman named Deborah. I emailed her and asked if she was my mama deborah. I received an email today saying that she was mama Deborah and she still has the picture of Brittany and her grandchildren. She left me her number.
After I picked my heart up off the floor, I called her. We both cried and cried. We talked and gave each other the reader's digest version of what has happened in the last 7 years. Finally we got around to Aaron. While we were talking, he apparently called her. She told me to call him right away.
I spent several minutes looking at the phone number she gave me. I had waited years for this phone call. I wanted to say so much and yet I wanted to say nothing at all. I desperately wanted to make the call, and I never wanted to make the call. Here I had the number for someone that I had loved in my head for all these years. He is the one when all the girls are sitting around talking about "The one that got away" I would think about. Didn't matter who I was dating at the time. Even my aunt jo and I had talked about this. At the beginning of every relationship, I would dream about Aaron. I knew we weren't the same people we were 9 years ago, but what would he be like. Had he thought of me just once? My hands shook as I dialed the number. I prayed that somehow, the answering machine would answer and I thought about hanging up, then I realized, I had waited all these years for this..I had played thousands of conversations in my head for this very situation. He sounded shocked to hear me. I'm not sure it was a good shock, but I'm not sure it was a bad shock. He was with some friends and couldn't talk right then and took my number.
So pretend that you have waited a million minutes for a conversation to take place and then tell me not to read too much into anything. Maybe he was in shock and where as I've had years to plan this conversation, he had seconds, because he hadn't thought about me. Maybe he really didn't want to hear from me again? Maybe he had waited as long as I had for the conversation and just didn't know what to say. Who knows.
So my very complicated thought for tonight is this.....
1. Who is your one that got away?
2. Would you contact them if you could?
3. What would you say?
4. What do you think they would say to you?
5. Is it possible that you can spend so much time building someone up in your head that you are actually a little sad when the moment comes to talk to them again because the thoughts and dreams you have had are coming to an end.
Aaron is no longer the mystery man from my past. I don't yet know if I should have kept him that way, or if I did the right thing by trying to bring it to my present.
Love is a crazy thing......
Back about 9 or 10 years ago, I was helped in life by an amazing woman named "mama Deborah". She had a daughter named Trella and a son named Aaron. Trella and I became best friends and Aaron and I eventually dated. I have been in love with him ever since. We broke up like most relationships do. The only problem, is I never stopped loving him. Never.
I have spent the last 7 years or so looking for them. Every time I would look for them I would find Aaron's name and a number. I never called it. Who knew where he was in life or what he was doing. I really didn't ever want to barge into his life. But part of me always wondered. I have thought about him, dreamt about him, written about him, and always wondered what I would do if I found him or talked to him.
This past weekend, while catching up with some old friends from high school, I found an email address for a woman named Deborah. I emailed her and asked if she was my mama deborah. I received an email today saying that she was mama Deborah and she still has the picture of Brittany and her grandchildren. She left me her number.
After I picked my heart up off the floor, I called her. We both cried and cried. We talked and gave each other the reader's digest version of what has happened in the last 7 years. Finally we got around to Aaron. While we were talking, he apparently called her. She told me to call him right away.
I spent several minutes looking at the phone number she gave me. I had waited years for this phone call. I wanted to say so much and yet I wanted to say nothing at all. I desperately wanted to make the call, and I never wanted to make the call. Here I had the number for someone that I had loved in my head for all these years. He is the one when all the girls are sitting around talking about "The one that got away" I would think about. Didn't matter who I was dating at the time. Even my aunt jo and I had talked about this. At the beginning of every relationship, I would dream about Aaron. I knew we weren't the same people we were 9 years ago, but what would he be like. Had he thought of me just once? My hands shook as I dialed the number. I prayed that somehow, the answering machine would answer and I thought about hanging up, then I realized, I had waited all these years for this..I had played thousands of conversations in my head for this very situation. He sounded shocked to hear me. I'm not sure it was a good shock, but I'm not sure it was a bad shock. He was with some friends and couldn't talk right then and took my number.
So pretend that you have waited a million minutes for a conversation to take place and then tell me not to read too much into anything. Maybe he was in shock and where as I've had years to plan this conversation, he had seconds, because he hadn't thought about me. Maybe he really didn't want to hear from me again? Maybe he had waited as long as I had for the conversation and just didn't know what to say. Who knows.
So my very complicated thought for tonight is this.....
1. Who is your one that got away?
2. Would you contact them if you could?
3. What would you say?
4. What do you think they would say to you?
5. Is it possible that you can spend so much time building someone up in your head that you are actually a little sad when the moment comes to talk to them again because the thoughts and dreams you have had are coming to an end.
Aaron is no longer the mystery man from my past. I don't yet know if I should have kept him that way, or if I did the right thing by trying to bring it to my present.
Love is a crazy thing......
Saturday, May 17, 2008
catching up
As promised there is a lot to catch up on.....
My children treated me to an amazing Mother's day last weekend. Isaiah's class made keychains with their names on it and a card with their handprints. It was beautiful and made me cry. Brit made me three cards at school. One took my breath away. It was laminated and I could tell how much work she put into it. It was a Time Magazine Exclusive Mother of the Year. It had preprinted pages inside that she had to fill in the blanks and I know she worked so hard on the "perfect" handwriting. She did a great job. The morning of Mother's Day, she made me pop tarts in bed. She walked Devon without complaining and made herself a bowl of cereal. Then when Isaiah woke up, she made him a bowl of cereal. I stayed in bed and relaxed. When I got up, Britt asked if she could do the dishes and she helped with laundry. It was a great day!!
My computer finally came and it is amazing! It's a pretty green color and I'm very happy to have it! Thanks Dad!
Work has been insane! I have worked way too many hours the last two weeks and am incredibly exhausted. I have even been bringing stuff home to do. I'm feeling a little under the weather right now, but I'm sure a good night's sleep will help!
Right now Britt is out roller skating with a friend and Isaiah is taking a nap....I think I will join him.
My children treated me to an amazing Mother's day last weekend. Isaiah's class made keychains with their names on it and a card with their handprints. It was beautiful and made me cry. Brit made me three cards at school. One took my breath away. It was laminated and I could tell how much work she put into it. It was a Time Magazine Exclusive Mother of the Year. It had preprinted pages inside that she had to fill in the blanks and I know she worked so hard on the "perfect" handwriting. She did a great job. The morning of Mother's Day, she made me pop tarts in bed. She walked Devon without complaining and made herself a bowl of cereal. Then when Isaiah woke up, she made him a bowl of cereal. I stayed in bed and relaxed. When I got up, Britt asked if she could do the dishes and she helped with laundry. It was a great day!!
My computer finally came and it is amazing! It's a pretty green color and I'm very happy to have it! Thanks Dad!
Work has been insane! I have worked way too many hours the last two weeks and am incredibly exhausted. I have even been bringing stuff home to do. I'm feeling a little under the weather right now, but I'm sure a good night's sleep will help!
Right now Britt is out roller skating with a friend and Isaiah is taking a nap....I think I will join him.
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